Link Haze, 10/29/10.

• wolf hug.
• Kate Moss gets Jokerized.
• The DEFINITIVE tramp stamp.
• Oprah's new logo? Yea or Nay?
• The Black Panther coloring book.
• Paul the Octopus? Publicity stunt.
• Uncomfortable moments with Putin.
• Mother and Pentagram brand legal pot.

Without question, the dumbest ice hockey ads I've ever seen.

(Click ads, via. Coincidentally, the dumbest ad of any kind that I've ever seen featured a hockey scenario.) There are but two things in this entire world that I have the knowledge to talk about for longer than five minutes: advertising and hockey. These horrifically Photoshopped things are for the Hamburg Freezers (maybe the dumbest hockey team nickname ever), who play in the Deutsche Eishockey Liga. Not for Sissies? Deutschlanders, stick to soccer, S&M, and oompah bands. Two minutes for elbowing, by the way, on the goon "Freezer" in the left ad. Previous ice hockey-related ads.

The Griffin Microsheen ads were extraordinarily sleazy for the 1930s.

(click ad, via) A previous ad in the campaign featured a busty naked woman in a see-thru rain slicker. Here, slutty wicked witch poses provocatively for creepy as hell horndog Mr. Pumpkinhead. Just to point out what you may have missed: the product being advertised here is men's shoe polish.

(very NSFW) Sex Worker's Boobs "Hijacked" for Breast Cancer Awareness.

Coppafeel, a breast cancer awareness site/movement was launched by Kristin Hallenga, a British woman who almost died from breast cancer at the age of 23. She has declared today, October 29th, Coppafeel Day, encouraging women to take their boobs into their own hands. The above video is maybe authentic, maybe staged, I can't really tell. Either way, it's pretty entertaining (via).
Previously in: Breast Cancer Awareness ads.

(nsfw) Hot interracial sex spot to start your Friday morning.

(via) "Life is music" is a lame line. Otherwise, a nicely conceived/shot/acted commercial for Belgian radio station Studio Brussel, who previously gave outdoor concert goers cow shit-shaped seat cushions. You can start a "Is it racially insensitive?" discussion if you want, I don't have the time. Track: N.E.R.D.'s Hot-N-Fun with Nelly Furtado. Ad Agency: Mortierbrigade. Previous radio station ads: Axl Jesus Christ Rose • Virgin Radio's ghastly digitally-aged hipsters.

Russian Ad Watch: Singing crab sings the praises of dead crabs.

(via) And, he grabs a crab stick at the end, presumably to gobble. I guess crabs eat other crabs, right? Oh, wait: maybe those are imitation crab meat sticks? So, it makes sense? Why they picked Verdi's La Donne é Mobile ("the woman is fickle") as the music, I haven't a fucking clue. It's 5 pm on a Thursday, this is all you're getting on this. To view seven more insane Russian TV Spots, go here.

Questionable Product of the Week: 40 proof chocolate milk.

(click image) "Re-taste your youth at 40 proof" it says at the Adult Beverage Company website. Sure, pour a big glass and wash down some pot-laced sugar cookies while drawing in your x-rated coloring book. They're also selling adult fruit punch, orange cream and limeade concoctions. They say the drinks "taste just like your favorite treats from way back when." Be my guest (via). Previous questionable products:
• Men's tissues.
• Tit firming cream (nsfw)
• Stress-reducing dog food.
• female orgasm enhancer.
• the $14,615 exercise bike.
• world's first eco-friendly vodka.

Your chance to f*ck "38-21-38" Polly Jo.

(click ad, from the early 1960s, via) Just send in "2,120 Chesterfield King packs." Jesus H Christ, smoke up horny fellas! You'll be doing her with a cancerous penis! (I don't believe this offer was official.) This may be the new winner in copyranter's offensive retro sexism ad-off. Previously in evil retro cigarette ads.

Footwear brand sez stop global warming because their shoes are getting wet.

(click ads, via) Hot shoes for a hot planet (©copyranter 2010). Previously, Bianco addressed the global financial crisis with even stupider ads. This campaign via Denmark is kind of bleh—it needs to be more provocative, ironic, cheeky, sexy, something. Plus, I can't see the shoes clearly! Diesel, by the way, did the exact same idea better three years ago. One bit of praise: nice type treatment with the bottom of the headline disappearing. Previous noteworthy footwear ads:
Centro (nudity) Max (sleazy) Aldo (stupid) • Jimmy Choo (dead woman) Kate Spade (another dead woman) • John White (sexist) • Harvey Nichols (really sexist).

Cutesy fun time with suicide prevention ads.

(click ads, via) Gray skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face! Wow. Tone wrong-o. Granted, it's a difficult subject to address through advertising. But if I was the theoretical guy on the left, and I saw that goofy/scary ad, I'd stab myself in the neck with my left hand whilst blowing my brains out with my right hand. Yet another serious world issue not solved by pretty art direction. Ads are for the CVV Suicide Prevention Center in Brazil. This is the ad agency. Here's four previous suicide prevention advertising efforts, ranging from idiotic to hilarious.

Cheap sports car sold with cheap cut-out pinup bikini girl.

(click ad to read, via) Well, this is either a little less sexist or appallingly more sexist than a real pinup bikini girl fuck-splayed across the car's hood would be. I really can't decide. I can decide that it is a fucking strange-ass ad for the Skoda Fabia RS by Amsterdam ad agency Selmore. Weed, dudes? Previously: These Skoda Yeti ads are quite possibly the stupidest car ads ever.

Russian Ad Watch: Carl's Jr. murders Ronald McDonald.

(via) The American chain, famous for the Paris Hilton car wash porn spot, has now opened locations in St. Petersburg. This is the terrible first commercial. Look for a Mickey D's C&D letter to materialize. If they want to take out the Russian Burger King, he frequents co-ed steam baths. Previously in: Russian Ad Watch.

Link Haze, 10/27/10.

•LOL at malaria.
• Godzilla vs Kitten.
• fireworks in a bathtub.
• the Ukrainian Angelina Jolie.
• the attack of the 50 ft. Beckinsale.
• Look for the 2008 item at right to be big this X-Mas.
• If you love Watership Down/rabbits, don't click this link.

(mildly nsfw) Streakers interrupt field hockey game, drop off underwear.

In what looks like an utterly staged event, two topless models with pasties "flash mobbed" a men's field hockey game and threw Bjorn Borg ball-hugging sports briefs (or something) onto the field of play. Borg should have led them out wearing only a sock. The pasties are keeping it from being removed from YouTube. So fucking exciting, right, today's brilliant modern advertising world?
Previously in: bad/less bad "Viral" Videos.

The prettiest fart ad ever created.

(click ad, via) It's for Eno brand antacid, via Ogilvy & Mather India. It was part of a campaign that also featured bubble fish and chicken executions. Probably a scam campaign, considering that the logo is almost fucking hidden. But the respect for the black space pleases me. Almost as much as a good fart. Eno, by the way, also produced the most macabre antacid print ads I've ever seen.
ADDN: Here's a comprehensive copyranter post of FartVertising.

(probably NSFW) Coco de Mer reminds you that sex shops sell orgasms.

(click ads) An older campaign posted on adme.ru last week I hadn't seen before for the classy erotic shops and online store. I like that they used everyday non-model people. Coco de Mer also happens to have produced the most perfectly pleasing sex shop video imaginable, and the best sex shop point-of-purchase poster ever. This is why they chose that particular name for their business, by the way.

F*cked Up Fashion Shoot of the Week.

(click images, via) It's called "Inflate," from the October issue of Dazed & Confused, by British photographer Anthony Maule. It was cold in the studio, I guess. No, this important editorial is making a statement. And that statement is? Anyone? Bueller? Clothes are meaningless. Models are meaningless. Fashion is meaningless. Life is meaningless. This POST is definitely meaningfuckingless. Previously in Fucked Up Fashion Shoots of the Week (all NSFW).

Ad students: are these ad school ads Great? Good? Pointless?

(click ads, via) They're for my alma mater, the School of Visual Arts here in NYC. The copywriting is very good. The art direction's a bit strange. It's the strategy that I'm not sold on. It's pretty generic; it works for pretty much any school, or actually about half of the products and services in the world. It is a better campaign than these previous uninspiring SVA efforts (one, two). Ad agency: Knarf New York, who also did this literal "push the envelope" door installation at the school.
Related: here are some funny ad school ads via South Africa.

Reporters Without Borders Photoshops Nicolas Sarkozy to look like a p*ssy.

(click ad, via) That is indeed the official portrait of the French president, altered slightly by Saatchi & Saatchi Paris on behalf of the freedom of press advocates. The ad announces that France came in at #44 in this month's World Press Freedom Index (diagnostic formula unknown). Vive la digital manipulation! Previously, the press organization used Photoshop to brutally torture Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong-il.

Artist makes anti-BP poster from Gulf oil spill oil.

(click image, via) By designer Anthony Burrill, commissioned by Brussels ad agency Happiness. Pretty tame, kinda lame. But bravo, I guess? Here's the making-of video. The money made from the sale of 200 limited edition posters will go to the Coalition to Restore Coastal Louisiana. Buy one here. Hey, bp—you guys should start making print ads from your spilled oil—maybe go with a renewable energy creative execution. Hey, that's a good idea (©copyranter 2010). It would certainly top the disingenuous shite you've been running.

The Giant-est Game of Pool Ever via Budweiser.

New Spot by DDB London and director Chris Palmer, who previously shot this equally mega-expensive Bud spot from a Chicago subway train, scored with a remake of the Beatles "All Together Now." This rather senseless commercial, featuring "Brakes On" by Air, was shot on an L.A. rooftop. Must by nice to have unlimited production budgets. To sync-up with the taste of Bud, however, the scenario should have been fleas playing the smallest ever game of snooker.

The most safe for work anal sex ads ever.

(click ads) Also, the least erotic anal sex ads ever. They don't invite trial AT ALL. Though, the more I stare at that fridge's cold hard ass... I don't know the year or country of these Durex lube ads. They were part of a large sex ad retrospective posted on adme.ru last week. That TV's got some holes back there... Just staying on top of one copyranter's regular depraved ad beats. Previous Lube Ads:
• just disgusting.
• tight pussy cat.
• rabbit in a mason jar.
• the subtlest lube ad ever.
• strawberry bush and raspberry jam?
• the choo-choo is stuck in the poo-poo.
• Chinese people have trouble screwing, too.

Motörhead slips in the backdoor of the rebel rocker sellout bar.

(via) Oh Lemmy. Not a French bar. Well, at least it's a commercial for alcohol. And you got to ogle a hot waitress. He and his bandmates join former subversives the Sex Pistols and Iggy Pop at the ad money trough. Ad agency: BBH London.

Uncomfortable Breast Cancer Awareness Ad of the Month.

(click ad, via) Ding-ding-ding! Hong Kong has unintentionally created the one billionth slang term for breasts—hey, hot "fire alarms," bayBEE! Copy translation: "Until your breasts come with an alarm system, check regularly." And on that note, let us ring out Rib Balloon Cancer Awareness Month. Previous Breast Cancer Awareness ads: NSFW • seriously NSFW • Bouncing DD Boobs • Bald Booby Heads • the Boob Blob attacks the streets of Auckland. And horny men tricked by booby poster.

French designer reimagines the Coke bottle. Sexy? Hideous?

(click image) "Visionary" (his term) Jerome Olivet presents "Mystic," an experimental Coca-Cola bottle he calls "spiritual" and "supernatural" and "ambiguous" and "poetry." I call it "an unimaginative waste of plastic." I think the first Pepsi can from 1938 was a better design. But then, I'm a lowly copywriter who, in 7th grade metal shop, fashioned the ugliest candle holder in the history of humanity (pic available for media stories).
What do you call it?

The most famous hair in sports is also the best product endorsement in sports.

(click ad twice, via) Compare to A-Rod and Derek Jeter. You've seen the hilarious TV spot. Well, now check out the almost as funny print ad. It's a "Polamolecule." The Steelers strong safety better hope he doesn't contract Alopecia. Ad agency: Saatchi & Saatchi NY. Previous terrible Head & Shoulders NFL ad: It's the Miami Lice vs. Detroit Dandruff.

Russian Ad Watch: (mildly NSFW) Can you guess what these office mud wrestlers are selling?

(via) The answer is in the comments. Thanks to Marina Galperina at ANIMAL NY for the translation. The novice women were trained in the art of mud wrestling for a week before the actual shooting began, according to the agency press note (Agency: Ravoshod). Continue to know this: EVERY ad in new red hot Communist Russia Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex. SEX. (All links various degrees of NSFW.)

Link Haze, 10/22/10.

• Helvetica trade ad, 1966.
• Very strange Tooheys beer spot.
• the Saw movie posters, 2004-2010.
• Mr. T just utterly embarrasses himself.
• bike seat tree stump = Brooklyn Dada art.
• American Apparel capitalizes on gay bashing.
• Read this letter in Christopher Walken's voice.
• Texas voting machine refuses to let man vote for Rick Perry.

Karate studio ambient ad chop chop cheap.

(click image, via) No, it's not brilliant. But it is effective and cost-effective. So, bravo Toronto Academy of Karate. We've all dreamed of being able to chop a piece of wood in half with our black-belt lethal weapon hands, amirite? The cinder blocks with head move, I'm not so keen on. Previous cheap effective ambient ads: one, two, three.

New decadent Las Vegas hellhole resort kills little bunnies.

The 2,995-room "Cosmopolitan" opens in December on The Strip. I'm not sure I follow the concept of this split personality spot. First, there's geezer ass-patting, subservient man chairs, pants-less bellhops, Cougar hunting, sex photos, and then...lots of cutesy animals, for some reason. I know: It's conceptual. The tagline's...unsatisfyingly generic. Ad agency: Fallon. Good luck keeping that place open what with Sin City's economy. Previous Las Vegas ads: Vegas courts the "Douchebag" demographic • Vegas lamely mocks NYC .

Tea Party favor.

(via) Look at that lil' "pickaninny southern darky." Yep, his "whole face indicates perfect happiness." Buck thirty-five a dozen, YEE-haw! Previously in: Retro Racism.

Model Lara Stone being "raped" on Calvin Klein billboard.

(click image, via) At least, according to Australia's Advertising Standards Bureau. They've ordered the board pulled, finding it to be suggestive of rape and violence—though they acknowledged that the act depicted "could be consensual." The Bureau added: ...the image was demeaning to women by suggesting that she is a plaything of these men."
But lately, Australian beverage ads have been yelling at Aussie men to MAN UP! Such conflicting signals. CK fashion model Stone, by the way, often models sans fashions (nsfw). Previous well-orchestrated "controversial" CK billboards:
• the 5-story 3-on-1 sofa orgy billboard.
• the biggest shiniest nakedest black man ever (nsfw).

I don't want to dine on goose leg confit with a throbbing penis.

(click ad, via) Well fuck a Mother Goose. Ad for Le Cornichon, a French restaurant in Prague. Sexy anthropomorphised food = rarely an appetizing idea—like with these farm animal necrophilia meat seasoning ads, or this Indian restaurant ad featuring chicken carcasses fucking, or this interracial milk chocolate French kiss. I know: "They" say food is sex. Livestock is certainly sex to some rural men.
Ad agency: Fabrika.

Young Creatives: put down your f*cking iPhones and learn something.

(click ad, via) It's a 1,909-word trade ad, by David Ogilvy, that brought in millions in billings. Sure, it's a hideous layout and some of the copy is laughably dated. But, 40 years later, it can still teach a few lessons to today's new clueless ad "gurus."
Like: "Headlines that promise a benefit sell more than those that don't...it pays to inject genuine news into headlines." Also: "Be suspicious of awards. The pursuit of creative awards seduces creative people away from the pursuit of sales." Punch your digitally-shortened attention span in the face, and read it all. To view some of today's atrociously bad ad agency self-promo ads: go here and here.

The most depressing investment commercial ever.

(via) That's right, hippersnapper. Get yer tats and lipo and piercings and big-ass boobies now. And then, when you're saggy, toothless, eating strained peas, and can barely fucking walk, reminiscence about how much you'd love to have all that money back.
The scare tactic approach is more honest than the usual bullshit investment advertising—at least they didn't use a stupid animal metaphor or the 'ol oyster/pearl stock photo. I'm too lazy to look up how badly this DnB NOR pension fund has done in the last two years. Ad agency: Norway's Try.
Related: the dumbest investment ad I've ever seen.

Kohl's: your racist Halloween headquarters.

(click image) The Ghetto Fab Wig. That's right white woman. Slum it this Halloween! Add some black face paint and bam! instant Nubian princess! After a shitstorm of complaints, Kohl's has renamed it the "Curly Wig." Afrobella had the scoop—read the story here. Previously in racist ads: the most racist toothpaste commercial ever • the most racist bronzer ad ever • the most racist ice cream ad ever (via Russia, featuring Obama!) • And Hip Hop artists are not welcome at Marriott.

Juice ads feature bulllshittiest heath claims ever.

(click ads, via) Sweeet skirting of those pesky health regulations, Zephyr New Zealand (the responsible ad agency). The pompous POM prevaricators should be taking notes. Related: POM sees dead people.
Previous insane juice ads: cowboy riding a giant pheasant • Rubberduckzilla • And man-tree jerking off to two scantily-clad lesbians (nsfw-ish).

Mini Link Haze, 10/20/10.

• safe Teddy Bear sex.
• Japanese product packaging.
• 18-year-old Axl Rose mugshot.
• Rammstein vs. Cookie Monster.
• Homer Simpson brand dirt weed.
• Cubic zirconia knuckle sandwich engagement ring.

Cheating sex site Ashley Madison blames you for them.

(click ad, via) The Online hook-up clearing whorehouse has erected this honking, hanging billboard over Old Street in London, according to Goodshit. Note the spiffy Union Jack, which seems to suggest that Ashley Madison is suggesting that it was you randy-ass Brits who invented illicit shagging.
Previous Ashley Madison billboard: L.A.: the city of fucking angels.

If God had an ad agency, this would be the TV commercial.

It's a spot by Macedonia's Ministry of Education and Science that's been running for a couple of years on national TV, including such channels as MTV2, according to osocio. Einstein, however, apparently never said those sound bites: So, a Lie Well Disguised. How Devilish. Agency: New Moment. Previously: I hate sex—God • The marketing of the Johovah's Witnesses.

(nsfw) Is this the most blatantly sexist ad ever produced?

(click ad, via) It's an older Spanish ad via Italian motorcycle manufacturer Aprilia, announcing that their Arrecife range of scooters are "now several sizes smaller." Time for a definitive poll! Which is the most sexist ad ever posted on copyranter? Vote in the comments, if you want:
• this one here.
• this UK shoe ad.
• this US fashion ad.
• this Greek BMW ad.
• this Indian candy ad.
• this Czech beer spot.
• this US Huffy bikes ad.
• this Italian tampon ad.
• this American server ad.
• this Bulgarian vodka ad.
• this Israeli bookstore ad.
• these Israeli Bacardi ads.
• these Singapore beer ads.
• this Singapore skin cream ad.
• this Belgian dating site video.
• this Chilean menstrual pills ad.
• these German Men's Health ads.
• this Canadian car dealership ad.
• and, my choice, the BK blow job ad from Singapore.

Video: Winnipeg mayor Sam Katz "kicks children in the face."

Ad paid for by "Concerned Pediatric Orthodontists." Which one of these three other mayoral candidates do you think posted this amateurish yet shocking yet hilarious video? My money's on skeevy-looking Ray Gill. The New York Times, of all publications, thinks it's a legitimate ad. The election is next Wednesday, the 27th. Thanks to Greg Machotka for the tip. Previously in political attack ads: Meg Whitman attacked by eMeg banner ad • Tories repeatedly punch Gordon Brown's smug mug. Related: Robert Mugabe's atrocious campaign poster.

Barack Obama learning Arabic so he can turn America into a terrorist state.

(via) Just the latest instance of illicit BamBranding. It's a commercial for international TV news channel France 24—broadcast in French, English, and now Arabic. That's some pretty shoddy, unconvincing editing, and just a terrible commercial. Look for the Tea Party to get a hold of this and have campaign ads produced by the end of the day. Ad Agency: Marcel Paris.

Crazy Japan Ad of the Week.

(via) Jesus fucking sensory overload. It's for something in a container that you eat, and cheese is involved. Other than that, I haven't a clue what's going on. It should have been included in copyranter's Crazy Japan Ad Week.

What the HELL is going on in this Italian rock & roll ad?

(click ad, via) It's for some rock club in Milan called Alcatraz. From the agency press note: "...Alcatraz asks its notes to give themselves completely, till the exhaustion. This is why the end of a concert is like a battle field where you sweat your blood. In the name of rock." OK, they are dead and dying anthropomorphised music notes. So, Alcatraz: where rock lives. And dies. Keep eating those shrooms, Daniele Dagrada (the Grey art director on the ad). Now as I finish writing this post, I don't completely hate the ad anymore—though without the press note, I doubt if I would have known that those people were supposed to be notes. Previously in: WHAT?!?

"World's Best Couple" to be awarded hideous 22 carat diamond ring.

(via) Here's a promotion that deserves to be killed by God. New Zealand jeweler Michael Hill (who previously exploited a solar eclipse to sell diamond rings) is going to give this so-called "best couple" the "ultimate engagement ring." Any pair—whether they've been married for 60 years or just met—can enter (enter here).
Kim Kardashian is launching the competition today in NYC. Hill says getting the talentless KK to front this bullshit promo cost "quite a lot." I'd love for a gay couple (or Brangelina) to win this idiotic thing and ruin Hill's "vision." Ad agency: McCann Sydney. Previously in diamond ads: Monogamy to the power of 100 • De Beers promises "she won't sat no" • the most insulting diamond ad ever produced.

Hard working Russian white man rewarded with curvy mulatto bikini girls.

(via) In new Russia advertising, everything sexy sexism (link nsfw) and racy racism. copyranter was alerted to this 2007 commercial for the Nestle Nuts "KofeBUM" candy bar by Brad Miller's Hero. Translation from adme.ru:
"...the creators (Lowe Adventa) of the campaign idea to use images of the beautiful mulatto for a hot reggaeton-party. the resourceful hero stops the truck with dancing mulatta and results in a Latin American party on the beach. Beach party at sunset, a hot rhythm Reggaeton, seductive curvy mulatto - that's the best reward for the clever guys."
And what snappin' Reggaeton it is. Earlier this month, Nestle released a new spot for their basic Nuts bar featuring squirrel girls in skin tight yellow shorts carrying big peanut footballs. Click ads below to closer examine those mulattos seductively gripping big beans.

Young Gun Awards promoted with ad trophies having sex.

(click ads, via) The entry deadline for the 10th annual International Young Guns Awards was Friday (To enter, at least one member of the creative team had to be born after November 25th, 1979.). I haven't been a young gun since fuck you ago. In fact, I haven't won an ad award in about 10 years, and don't give a flying Lion fuck about it either. I do have two CLIOs sitting on my ledge right this minute. No, I will not put them in a '69' position. These two edgy executions are via two young gun creatives I will not be naming from the Miami Ad School. Previous bad ad award ads: These ads killed a bunny and a unicorn • this CLIO awards ad is the most depressing thing I've ever seen • ANDY awards promoted with anilingus.