Friday, March 30, 2007

Equine's Posterior® Award, late March 2007.


This morning, I finally read the March Creativity, the monthly AdAge supplement for self-fellating copywriters and art directors. In the "Work" section, Andrew Keller, ECD (that's Executive Creative Director for you laypeoples) at Miami's CP+B, spouts some high-level horseshit while discussing the agency's newish print work for VW. When asked about how the ads (above right) lovingly borrow from the classic DDB ads of yore, he responds:
"It's not the point. Ultimately, VW must be a transcendent brand (what?). It must take stock and make sense of its historical position while creating a modern statement (what-what?)."
For speaking like a parody of a marketing MBA doofus, Andrew receives a tasty chocolate Horse's Ass.
(VW "Lemon" link found at ciadvertising.org)
previous winners of a chocolate horse's ass:
1. Bob Garfield.
2. TBWA/Chiat Day creative dept.
3. New York Times' David Carr.
4. Michael Goldberg, CMO, Zimmerman Group.
5. David Roman, VP, hp.

I got nothing this morning.

In order to fulfill my two-post-a-day quota, I present you this morning with a video of absolutely nothing (link). Enjoy. Back this afternoon with an ad-related post.
UPDATE!!!—no sorry, still got nothing.
previously in nothing:
1. LeeLee Sobieski's 9/11 poem.
2. I think, therefore I am stupid.
3. I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
4. FLOATING BOLTON HEAD.
5. copyranter beefcake.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

The French coulda used this sailor in both World Wars.

Old campaign, I know (I posted on it last year). But with Spring springing, I'm feeling all virile and manly and shit. I've got a beard going, I've increased the frequency of my dip & pull-up workouts...I'm scratching my tingling itchy balls right this second. Earlier this week, I came across this not-new ad for the French spring water with bubbles—and punched the cartoon magazine man in the face. I get it, Perrier; your American male numbers probably ain't exactly impressive—some Boomers and EuroTrash. But you can call your prissy-ass product "manlier" all you want, that ain't gonna get the lucrative young meathead demographic to guzzle your effervescent beverage with their Taco Bell takeout.
previously in bottled water ads:
1. Perrier. Shittier.
2. Anthropomorphism, to the power of Retarded.
3. 50's packin'. Nutrients.

Lies Well Disguised, #27.

Tuesday on Gawker, I challenged AdAge ad reviewer Bob Garfield to an arm wrestling match (link). For old Lies Well Disguised columns, type those three words up in my search box.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Hope he has a nice rack.


• phone sex with a male deer? • phone sex with a member of the Milwaukee pro basketball squad? • phone sex with an aboriginal male? • phone sex with Young Buck? • phone sex with Buck Henry? • phone sex with Gil Gerard? • phone sex with a John Candy impersonator? • phone sex with mood music by the late, great pickin' Buck Owens?
(from back page of today's Village Voice)
previously in Village Voice ads:
1. The VV sex ad awards.
2. I'm sorry you all suck.
3. Join the VV street prostitution gang.

Stalin as Repo Man.

A Ukrainian heating company has put up posters of Stalin around the city of Donetsk to strongly encourage citizens to pay their past-due bills. "It was the nearest we could get to intimidating people without sending round the heavy mob," said Alexandra Semchenko, deputy director of the state-owned Donetsk Heating Company. Risking limbs and life, a copyranter operative from the area has obtained an image of one of the posters (right). Pasting the copy into my always-accurate free translator reveals this: "Pay your heating bills on time Comrades, or your current leaders will purge this bourgeois burg fasting than you can say 'Yakov Smirnoff!'"
(via ananova)
previously in ananova finds:
1. The most brilliant-est tourism marketing move EVER!
2. The world's worst sound ID'ed.
3. 2006 Darwin Award winners.
4. Colonel Gaddafi wants his Coke® money.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Second Post.

As it says over there under "copyranter," I guarantee at least two posts every week day. So I typed "second post" into google image search, and this pic is the first result that appeared. Enjoy.
As always, Fuck You Douchebags,
cr
previously in I suck:
1. Flushing the Crankcase.
2. The Human Trainwreck.
3. Google Image Search: "commenter"
4. "I still haven't found what I'm looking for"

Materializing Girl, day 2. Now With Rack!


(click images for closer look)
(painted billboard, Houston & Crosby)
previously in five/six-story ads:
1. Tiffany's Santa Claus.
2. The G-Star Glory Hole.
3. Five-story models compete for my love.
4. Six Stories of Stupid.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Your ad's so confusing, it makes Bush's policies look lucid.


I've seen this ad for Manhattan Mini Storage on the A train a few times now. This particular ride, I stared at it for a good 125 blocks trying to figure out what the fucking hell it means. No luck. That's "Cheney," with an "I Love Haliburton" button on his lapel. Yesterday, I consulted a whip-smart, gay VP of digital content (who never was in the closet, as far as I know). His interpretation: "If they're saying your apartment's narrow closet represents your beliefs or mind, then even Cheney's beliefs are more liberal than you/your closet..."
I...don't know. I keep coming up with the visual of Dick ass-fucking a submissive Karl Rove in a secret gimp bunker below the White House. (image put into my head, kinda, by the sick, brilliant Rude Pundit.)
previously in WTF? or Politics:
1. Unfortunately, these are not your Grandfather's underpants.
2. The Rolling Grass Thing.
3. SHTICKBALL.
4. Anti-Bush. Pro Cock.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Comparing the Pears.


Absolute Pears has the cooler bottle design, the ubiquitous ad campaign—including a slick slithering TV spot—and the trial-inviting copy line "The New Taste Of Temptation." What's Grey Goose's La Poire got going for it? One thing only: it doesn't taste like a combo of cough medicine and snake shit. Seriously, Absolut Pears is fucking awful; a very fake tasting "pear" flavor that completely overpowers the vodka. Very disappointing, considering how delicious Absolut Mandarin is. Grey Goose La Poire, however, is tasty; the essence of Anjou pears added to the vodka creates a nicely subtle flavor. Don't believe me? Two bar professionals recently confirmed my opinion about Absolut Pears: 1. The female bartender with the slight eastern European accent in the Jet Blue terminal at JFK airport. 2. A waitress at a pool hall outside of Tuscon, Arizona. Also, the archeress took one sip and almost ralphed.
previously in vodka:
1. V2. Get Bombed.
2. XTRA! XTRA!
3. Excuse Me While I Puke And Die.
4. Let's Get EFFEN Drunk.
5. ABSOLUT KRAP.
related on Gawker: Vodka Wars.

True is not Blue, according to CEO Herb Vest.


Since this story ran Monday in the New York Times—in which full-of-shit Vest denies that his ads are pornographic—I've gotten another couple of anon email tips about true.com and CEO Vest.
  • Piling on to this post, the first tipster confirms that Vest is the defendant in at least two lawsuits: go here (link), and then enter these two case numbers: 05-05-01366 CV and 05-05-01710 CV. I'm too lazy to dig into the cases, but be my guest.
  • A second tipster says that the reason that Vest is not exactly prompt in returning true.com member fees (a fact covered in the Times piece) is that he needs the money to pay his legal fees. He/she also says that Vest ripped off his Mother and Sons of millions.
Herb says he started his dating site after looking at the high divorce rate in America: "That’s (the divorce rate) a bunch of nonsense. I can do something about that..." Vest is on his third marriage.
previously in true.com ads:
1. Holly's Once, Twice, Three Times A Lady...
2. BIKINI KILL
3. ...so feel free to wear your tightest short-shorts ladies...
4. BREAKING NEWS NOW...
related: Fleshbot's take on the advertising.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #26.

Six months of gawker columns...they originally told me 2-3 months would be the run. On Tuesday, I wrote about something called Trend School here in Manhattan. It's as stupid as it sounds (link). For old Lies Well Disguised pieces, type those words in the search window, upper left.

Flushing The Crankcase.


Spring has fucking sprung. We in NYC, supposedly, got us some nice 60+ degree weather coming. I'm moving in with my beautiful girlfriend in her beautiful apartment in her beautiful neighborhood next month. I'm 6-2. I've got broad shoulders, hard arms, a small waist, and a very tight ass. I feel like a 20 year-old. Also, I don't smell. Chicks generally dig me. Handsome gay men hit on me. My job is peachy (don't worry, I still hate the fucking ad industry). Since the season hasn't started yet, my Seattle Mariners are tied for first place. I saw the Heartless Bastards at Maxwell's last night, and they were fantastic. I have cool shoes/boots. There are two Simpsons reruns on every weekday eve. I haven't been shit on the head by a fucking fat-ass pigeon in a couple of years. My continuous desire to full-forcefully bodycheck every clueless dickwad who doesn't know how to walk on Manhattan sidewalks has ebbed. Somewhat. My strong urges to punch every man/woman in the face who rushes into the elevator before I exit aren't coming quite so close to metamorphing into actual clouts. The loud voice in my head that tells me to smash every bartender in the back of the head with the 6-8 dollar glass of 99/100s ice and 1/100s bourbon he/she serves me is a couple of decibels lower...
Question: does anybody out there know what the waiting period is for buying a gun in New York City?
copyranter
(photo: old wall ad on Lafayette St.)
previously in copyranter is a fucking dick:
1. Advertising sucks SMELLY DICK.
2. Nemo the Goldfish.
3. The Human Trainwreck.
4. copyranter's new logo.
5. Catching squirrels in Washington Square Park.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Third ad of campaign: Fo Shizzle My Nizzle.


(click images for a closer look)
Siemens, a $100 billion, 160 year-old, fat white German tech firm continues with their puzzling effort to connect with aging hip-hop artists worldwide. The tagline for this goofy-ass campaign is "Communication for the open minded". Word.

previously in stupid corporate ads
:
1. bp. Beyond Poppycock.
2. The Good Hands, Bad Taste People.
3. M&Ms "for business"
4. I wrote a post for you, and it was called "Yellow"

Why the New York Times shouldn't bother covering hockey: Example #3872.


(click image for closer look)
The caption, from yesterday's edition, says: "The Rangers' Peter Prucha preparing for a shot..."
If there's one thing that Prucha is NOT doing in this photo, it's preparing to take a shot. Firstly, look at the position of the players on the ice; Prucha is either in his own zone or the neutral zone. Secondly, look at the Penguins' skater to the left; he's looking at the puck—which is not in the vicinity of Prucha's stick—which is the implement used by hockey players to take "shots."
This stupid, lazy mis-captioning of hockey photos is not a rare occurrence at the "national paper of record."
Additionally, their hockey reporters obviously don't know the sport very well, as they often—and I mean OFTEN—wrongly describe how the previous night's goals were scored.
Being a former small-time sports journalist, I know how the American sports reporting system works: low man/woman on the totem pool at major newspapers covers hockey. Still, you're the...
NEW YORK FUCKING TIMES.
previously in NY Times sucks:
1. Nice scoop, Stuart.
2. No, I'm a Ranternista.
3. Page A2 is usually fucking hilarious.
4. Take a trip down Memory Lane (a toll road).
5. Tommy, I think about sex A LOT.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Proof that your girlfriend plays the gluteal tuba.


(click images for closer look)
You may have never heard/smelt her, but why would beano® advertise in Ladies Home Journal if she wasn't floating air biscuits on the sly? The dilemma of course is how to craft an inverted burp remedy message to the fairer sex. Here, an imaginary unsigned letter to 'Cauliflower' is utilized. Love the image, right, of Cauliflower dipping our honking heroine.
previously in "female" posts:
1. Twat The Hell?
2. Ladies, do you love shoes more than wildlife itself?
3. The Great Wall of New York.
4. Butch Cassidy sez: Bang your husband. Eat your greens.
related: beano jingle.

Orbitz ad such a cock tease.

Ad scanned from the April/May issue of MetroSource magazine. If you're going to go there Orbitz, go all the way. Rewritten copy:
"...and grab our great packages now! The Northeast just got 8-9 beautiful inches! Lodges are wall-to-wall wood! Ski hard, play hard!
previously in gay advertising:
1. The Village Voice Sex Ad Awards.
2. Bud tells Gays OK to be Gay.
3. Gay men don't buy their leather at Daffy's.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Equine's Posterior Award™, March 2007.


Senior windbag "ad critic" Bob Garfield could, seriously, win my chocolate horse's ass award every week. For the uninformed, Bob got his start in 1906 taking on snake oil advertisements. Today, he is revered all over MediaLand as the authority on ad criticism—even though he's apparently never actually produced a TV spot/ad ( at least one he's ever shown to anybody). Sure, most film critics have never made a film, but this is advertising, not art. And just to dispel your first thought—no, he's never panned a commercial I worked on. Anyway! To the Award. In last week's AdAge, Garfield interviewed Bill Gates. The session ended suchly:
Garfield: ...Those Mac ads—how do you feel about the John Hodgeman character?
Gates: I can't comment on someone else's ad.
Garfield: OK...but he's you.
Gates: Yeah, I'm not gonna comment on someone else's ad.
Garfield: OK, well Bill Gates, thank you so much for joining us.
Gates: ...
Garfield: Can I just have a clean goodbye?
Gates: ...
Garfield: OK, can you just say goodbye? Thank you or goodbye or something like that.
Gates: Goodbye.
Stellar journalism, Bob. Taking your cues from Donny Deutsch, are you?
UPDATE: Someone calling himself "Robert"—possibly Bob Garfield—has responded in the comments, calling a couple of you "douchebags." It's possible that it's him; I called him a windbag in this Gawker column and he commented on the post.
previous Equine's Posterior Award™ winners:
1. TBWA-Chiat Day creative department.
2. New York Times' David Carr.
3. Michael Goldberg, CMO, Zimmerman Group.
4. David Roman, VP, hp.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

"I got your caption right here, Balvenie Weenie®."

Just to get this outta the way: Balvenie's updated the mouthless douchebag artwork! (click image) Trying to make him look younger, cooler. HA! Anyway, the Balvenie people want us consumers to submit captions for this particular cartoon celebrating their 10-year-run of placing ads in the Wall Street Journal. You can do it yourself at www.haveabrilliantweekend.com (click on "balvenie contest"), or you can leave 'em here in the comments, and I'll submit them myself. Here's a couple of quick thoughts to start things:
• "Good with your lips, I see."
• That's the same sound I make when I cum."
• "Not now Marge, I got Whiskey dick."
for the previous nine Balvenie Weenie® posts:
1. Let's speed up the aging process.
2. No crying or pouting DoucheFace.

Lies Well Disguised, #25.

Tuesday on gawker, Inspired by the Geico cavemen getting a sitcom pilot, I used my "imagination" and imagined a few more possible ad icon sitcoms. (link) For previous Lies Well Disguised columns, just type that phrase into my search window, upper left.

A $4,500 library chair. That's so PUNK ROCK!!!

(scanned from today's NY Times Homes section.)
Chicago-based interior designer Kara Martin (right) is the first in America to carry the "punk-inspired" furniture of London's Jimmie Martin. Damn. If only Sid Vicious had eased up on the smack, he could be nestled comfortably in that baby in his study, smoking a blunt, listening to Good Charlotte, and laughing his fucking head off. Ms. Martin's number is 312.893.7550. Call and tell her, in your best horrible Mockney accent, what a brilliant fucking anarchistic visionary she is.
previously in stupid design:
1. copyranter's new logo.
2. hp. Huckster Plagiarism?
3. These are not your Grandfather's underpants.
4. Rolling grass thing.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Model/Contortionist Wanted.

It's a dilemma. You're a shoes/handbags label. You of course want a close-up of your products, but you also want the model's face in the frame—faces attract readers. What to do. What. To. Do. Hire a contortionist! Wow. She's, like, twisted and bent over backwards. And no pain showing on her face. Bravo!
(scanned from the New York Times)
previously in fashion ads:
1. What's Italian for "tw*t?"
2. Gays don't shop Daffy's.
3. DEAD is the new BLACK.
4. Jimmy Choo. Shoes to die for.

Cookie O'Puss.


Let's take a trip back to a St. Patrick's Day long ago. Tommy Carvel, ABSOLUTE FUCKING GENIUS, was still alive and he still had a great idea or two left in him. Sure, Cookie Puss was already a big seller. Fudgie The Whale, too. But then one late night, while many a stoned/wasted New Yorker was watching TV, this (link) appeared (dig that spacey Irish accent!) Not only did it change the way millions (ok, maybe hundreds of thousands) celebrated the holiday, it also inspired a Beastie Boys song.
related:
1. fMRI Imaging vs. Cookie Puss.
2. CE-O what a mistake.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

EXCLUSIVE—Coming Soon! Super Duper Double Extra Strength Ziploc!

copyranter's focus group operative #1 reports in from the field about a new secret product on the way from SC Johnson's Ziploc. The operative took part in a naming session (for reals!) for what looks to be the strongest Ziploc yet!!!
Here's some of the names they ran by him/her for approval—extra stupid ones bolded:
• Ziploc with Ultrafresh • Ziploc with FoodShield • Ziploc with Ultralastic • Ziploc with DuralastZiploc with Duron (Duron, from outer space!) • Ziploc with Fortex (?) • Ziploc with DuraMaxZiploc with Freshvantage • Ziploc with ResilexZiploc with Freshlastic (sounds like a DJ name) • Ziploc with XtraProtectZiploc with Reliashield (for those "heavy" flow days, girls) • Ziploc with Freshguard • Ziploc with Durapreme • Ziploc with DuracareAdd yours in the comments...
previously in stupid marketing:
1. Murdering Cereal with Marketing.
2. Inside the Puffs® testing laboratory.
3. M&Ms "for business"
4. fMRI Imaging vs. Cookie Puss.
5. Cerealism.

Monday, March 12, 2007

...because he doesn't have a firm understanding of the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act?

(click image for closer look)
Here's an example of a hacky ad concept category called Borrowed Interest. You "borrow" a well-known image or cliché and try to make it make sense for your completely unrelated product/service. Most of the time—like here—it fails miserably. Nice layout, though. (ad for huge International bank Grupo Santander, scanned from today's Wall Street Journal)
previously in bank ads:
1. Bank of Opportunistic Stock Photo Use.
2. John Dowd. Banker. Founding Father.
3. What the Deutsche Bank marketing director jerks off to.
4. Dude, it's a CD not the Fountain of Youth.

NFL unveils new football for 2007-2008 season.

(Reuters)—NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced yesterday that a collectible football designed by Karl Lagerfeld for Chanel will become the official game ball starting next season.
"Cute, ain't it?" asked Goodell at the press conference, which was also attended by Lagerfeld. Reporter reaction was, at best, mixed.
Lagerfeld relayed that the ball, featured in yesterday's New York Times Style Magazine, is faux leather/rawhide and smells faintly of Chanel No. 5.
Goodell also announced that, since each ball will cost the league $1,899, the fine for throwing a ball into the stands after a touchdown will be raised to $10,000.
previously in football:
1. Where's LT when you need him?
2. NFLers to forgo anesthesia, drive drunk.
3. Football play drawn with dandruff on man's head.
4. Peyton Manning Bobblehead Doll.
5, My business meeting with LT (true story).

Friday, March 09, 2007

Brown Sugar.



Left
, one of the first altoids ads done by Leo Burnett, circa mid-90s. Right, One of the last ads (an outdoor poster photographed by the archeress on the UWS) done by the Chicago agency for their now ex-client's new chocolate-dipped mints; it's the same strongman, except dipped in chocolate-y goodness. I have nothing too harsh to say here, except that the agency's executions definitely started to go stale and sour the last few years. Still, it is one of the best print campaigns of the last decade. Also, it seems altoids has hopped on the consumer-generated cliché-mobile by seeking your messages to possibly put on a future banner ad.
previously in altoids ads:
1. ad absurdum.
2. altoids makes smug New Yorker readers feel smugger.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Washington Heights Snow Stiffies.


(photo by the archeress)
Last evening, some cold scofflaw(s) tagged several parked cars on Ft. Washington Ave. with one of the above ironic rigid tools; ironic because, as any Eskimo or Huskie will tell you—nothing flacidifies a purple-headed yogurt slinger like freezing temps. Imagine the embarrassment of the car owners this morning as they—maybe with their bare hands—quickly stroked away at the shafts of the snow schlongs.
previously in stupid nyc:
1. The trans fat war turns childish.
2. Jonathan Swift Realty, Inc.
3. ShtickBall.
4. Knicks sign shooting guard to 4-year, $27 million contract.

Lies Well Disguised, #24.

The Axe Effect!
It is truly one of the great marketing stories of our time. A generation of Alpha Males now thinks girlie-spraying their bodies with perfume is manly. Amazing. (link).
For previously gawker Lies Well Disguised columns, type those three words up there in my search window.

Urnie Banks?

Die-hard Cubs fans, this may be your only chance to be there in person when your cursed team finally wins it all. Starting opening day, fans of 8 Major League clubs can purchase officially licensed MLB urns at select funeral homes. They're aluminum with a mini homeplate base. They cost...$699. Word is Yankee owner George Steinbrenner has already pre-ordered his, with instructions for it to be permanently welded to the GM's desk.
UPDATE: Richie Ashburn? (snicker)
previously in baseball:
1. My shrink said 'watch more baseball.'
2. Moises Alou pees on his hands.
3. A-Rod, put your big pants on!
4. Yankee Clubhouse to smell like Whorehouse.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

The Bank of Opportunistic Stock Photo Use.

Bank of America very recently launched a mammoth marketing repositioning campaign tagged "The Bank of Opportunity." Here, the monolithic institution—now the largest commercial bank in the U.S.—crams as much 'caring' and 'smallness' as it can fit into one little ad. Feel the compassion for minority toddlers and tiny flora. (Image found by Slinky Redfoot at brandspankin.com)
previously in banking:
1. HOO-AH!!!
2. Meet John Dowd. Banker. Founding Father.
3. What the marketing director of Deutsche Bank jerks off to every morning.
4. Dude, chill. It's a CD. Not the Fountain of Youth.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Qualitative Vodka Taste Test Report.

Though their print ads continue their insipid run of idiocy, Ketel One's Citroen actually tastes pretty good, according to a field study conducted by the blog's contributing editor. Secondly, copyranter can safely report that, after extensive sampling by at least two sources, the new Absolut Pears tastes like snake shit—very unnatural and medicine-y.
previously in Ketel One ads:
1. "famous Dutch shrinks" returns zero Google matches.
2. My correspondence with Ketel One continues...
3. You don't have a mouth Ketel One phone kiosk...
4. Ketel One subliminal advertising.
5. An unsigned letter from a distillery in Holland.
related on Gawker: Vodka Wars.

EXCLUSIVE—Simon Cowell smokes Kools.


(click images for closer look)
Since I have never intentionally watched one nanosecond of American Idol, I thought I'd deliver this pathetic piece of gossip minutiae. It also appears that Cowell is quaffing a Heineken, possibly just because the green bottle matches his Kools. Also pictured, The Osbournes; Sharon looks nicely toasted and Ozzy looks thrilled to be in the pages of Advertising Age with OK! publisher Richard Desmond's arm around him. Long way from War Pigs, ain't it John Michael? Sorry, forgot you're going deaf—LONG WAY FROM WAR PIGS, AIN'T IT JOHN MICHAEL? (photo from the Elton John AIDS Foundation Oscar® party)
previously in celebs:
1. What's next Burt? Burt's Bees?
2. Right Gwynnie. And I'm Martian.
3. Can't spell "anthropomorphism" without Mohr.
4. copyranter celeb dish #1: Dennis Miller vs. JK Simmons.

Monday, March 05, 2007

"The King is so big, smooth, shiny, hard and black."


The latest minx from cotton inc's dollhouse models a mini-outfit by New York designer Cynthia Steffe. But, who cares. Back to the phallic imagery. A fair assumption is that this precious, oversized chessboard is located somewhere deep in the hedgerows of East Hampton, maybe even on Steven Spielberg's estate. (let's call her) Zoë doesn't know the first thing about chess. What she does know is that Puffy P. Diddy is at this soirée, and when he finally wanders back here to take a piss, she's going to be stroking that Black King.
(as usual, scanned from the back page of WWD)
previously in cotton inc:
1. Cotton Inc's Dolls allowed to catwalk during NYC Fashion Week.
2. NaoMini Campbell terrorizes sleeping maid.
3. The Fabric Of Their Size Double Zero Lives.
4. Models lighter than Cotton.

BREAKING: Bronx beaver brainchild of Balazs.

I had suspected something the moment the story broke. Then, after spotting this ad in Sunday's New York Times real estate section, I sprang into action. Late last night, I broke into André Balazs' AB Properties offices in the Puck Building. After disabling his high tech alarm system, I started jimmying the cabinets. Bingo, there it was! Under 'B' even...a full file on "André" (not José) the Bronx Beaver. Balazs you sly Bitch! Planting the cute fella in the Bronx river. What's your next scheme? The fake kidnapping of Jerry Mathers?
previously in William Beaver House ads:
1. Hey Beaver, damn if you ain't infringing on a copyright.
2. The Beav's plans featured much much more wood.
3. Dean Balazs will NOT tolerate wild parties...
4. André Balazs has a new Black Beaver.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Let's guess Amber's current nabe.

Latest ad for the "loft-like" (gotta love the wiggle phrases of NYC real estate) residences of 184 Thompson. Seems they've abandoned their specious "Live Among (dead) Legends" campaign. So now, on to blondie. Too blonde for Williamsburg. Too pretty for the Lower East Side. Too young for the Upper West Side. Hmm. TriBeCa? That's my best guess. Her panicky-meets-prurient expression (click image) is the giveaway; Streeter hubbie/boyfriend isn't giving it to her the way she needs it.
(scanned from yesterday's AM New York)
previously in nyc real estate ads:
1. the POWER of platinum.
2. CLEARLY defining your target audience.
3. She feels pretty empty.
4. Caledonia slightly updates its ad twats.
related on Gawker: the unparalleled hyperbole of NYC real estate ads.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Art Appreciation with copyranter, #6.


Microscopic views of Split Ends. Estimated Value: negligible.


(click image to fully appreciate)
"Split Endz," a sculpture (?) of wardrobes, mirror, belts, training shoes, and gloss paint by artist Jim Lambie. Estimated Value: $40,000—$60,000. Sold at auction (there were 15 bids!) on February 27th, 2007 at Phillips de Pury & Company, 450 W. 15th St., New York.
previously in art appreciation with copyranter:
1. Robert Mapplethorpe, "Tomato/Knife"
2. Andy Warhol, "Oxidation"
3. Ellsworth Kelly, "The Gate"
4. Andy Warhol, "Pepper Pot"
5. "DEAD BULL: Victorious Matador"

Equine's Posterior™ Award, February 2007.


The February issue of Creativity magazine, titled "The Rebirth of Madison Avenue," was a swollen purple vein of HorseAssery. There was, of course, the "creatives roundtable." And then there was the above pic of the TBWA\Chiat\Day creative department playing dress-up, pretending like they were back in the salad days of advertising "creativity," the 1960s. The above 32 "creatives" have all been selected to receive a chocolate horse's ass in recognition of their hackneyed slyness. Congrats to all, etc.
previous Equine's Posterior™ award winners:
1. New York Times' David Carr.
2. Michael Goldberg, CMO, Zimmerman Group.
3. David Roman, VP, hp.

eau de boy sweat.

Yes this is a legitimate product. BIG thanks to GiggleSugar for the tip. Please read their take on the cologne here.
previously in fragrances:
1. Yankee clubhouse soon to smell like Whorehouse.
2. Everlast & Daytona 500 colognes.
3. Phew! York.
4. eau de ASS.