Link Haze, 6/29/07.

(Until Labor Day, one of my Friday posts will be a link dump. You got something interesting (ad related), email me: copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com)
• 17,000 miles later, 29,000 yellow rubber duckies—now faded to white—will be washing up on English beaches this Summer (link).
• Next week, smiling two-story asses will be sagging over Times Square (link).
• If you've never seen this David Blaine spoof, it is fucking hilarious (link).
• Finally, proof that beer is the drink of the Gods (link).

To fight Diarrhea, Heatherette designs shoe that looks like Clown Diarrhea.

(click images to read copy)
Heatherette, aka former Club Kids fashion duo Travis Rains and Richie Rich, designed this "statue" of a running shoe (hard to tell from the pic, but it is several feet long) as part of the "Sneakers and the City" celebrity art exhibit in support of the Blue Planet Run Foundation (blueplanetrun.org), which is sponsored by that famously humanitarian company, Dow Chemical (got all that?).
Seems a great cause. Go to the site, donate money, etc. But now, back to that big shoe. Eh, it's fucking hideous? Would somebody please explain to me and my son of Appalachian Trail hillbillies aesthetic how this...thing is considered fashion, let alone art? Despite my roots, I think I have a good design sense, thanks to obsessing over ad visuals for 15+ years. Am I that hopelessly out of touch?
(snapped near Columbus Circle)
previously in art?:
1. art appreciation with copyranter thread.
2. "ee" Sobieski's 9/11 opus.
3. the 4,600 pound rubberband ball.
4. the retarded rolling grass thing.
5. The Horshack Rorschach.
6. copyranter's new logo.

How Bad Do You Want To Be A Hack?

(click image for closer look. sorry, a bit blurry.)
The School of Visual Arts (one of my alma maters) here in NYC has been running a, well, pedestrian poster campaign on city subways, tagged: How Bad Do You Want To Be Good?
A good tagline. A good tagline that begs for some brilliant executions. But what do we get? A fucking spider web to promote their web design curriculum—a first-thought visual that any decent teacher at the school would immediately torch.
Way to inspire, School of VISUAL arts.
previously in bland visuals:
1. Banana Republic: It's Reindeer Season.
2. CIA. Central Innocuousness Agency.
3. Microsoft: Welcome to the (fake) people ready business.
4. Ameriprise: Fake chairman of the board.
5. Altria: Trees are pretty. Let's use trees.

Either they raise $50,000, or she aborts the baby.

(tip from jen nyc)
Yep. That's the gist of it.
"It comes down to this. If we can't raise the $50,000 in the next 3 months, we'll have to choose abortion."
So far, this anonymous couple has received $12,500. There're 80 days left.
"Please don't mis-understand (sic), it's not that we _want_ to abort the baby. Although neither of us is particularly pro-life, we don't want to have to have an abortion.
"We've crunched some numbers, and we believe that, to really set ourselves up in a good environemnt (sic) for the baby, we need $50,000. That'll give us the down payment on a decent house, get us a car that runs reliably, allow us to save away a little for the baby's college fund, cover any medical bills (she's uninsured), and give us a little buffer while she's not working..."
It seems so earnestly real, I'm inclined to think it's hoax. What do you think?
helpmybabylive.com
update: if you click on "make a donation," you land on a paypal page with the message: "The recipient is currently unable to receive money."
*UPDATE*: site is a scam. Gawker's got the info.
previously in humans are fucked up:
1. I hate kids.
2. I also hate parents.
3. It's your regular Friday Shriners update.
4. The bacon wristband winners...
related on Gawker: The Watchtower pamphlet—a review.

So, Perrier is full of radioactive isotopes?

(click image for closer look)
Currently, the Broadway/Lafayette subway station is awash with new executions of the new-ish Perrier: Shittier campaign. Sure, the artwork makes for very attention-grabbing posters. But once grabbed, my mind fails to comprehend what exactly the strategy of this wonderfully art directed shit is. First, you seemed to be trying to tell me that drinking Perrier is "edgy." Then, that it's macho to be seen quaffing your bubbly French water. And now, it's "Heavier"—the perfect water for aging fans of Bachman-Turner Overdrive to wash their quaaludes down with. (I do appreciate the name of the band on the standing guy's t-shirt, "Fungal.").
previously in bottled water:
1. That's the ugliest cumulus cloud I've ever seen.
2. Fred Water: Anthropomorphism to the power of Retarded.
3. 50's packin'. Nutrients.

Because of the inclusion of a freakish Anglerfish, I accept your gratuitous bikini babe, Old Spice.

(click ad for closer look)
Anglerfish are deep sea fish, which means our heroine went skin diving to a depth of 1,000+ feet. What does this have to do with Old Spice? Who gives a shit, sailor! I like the ad and the campaign (here's a :60 TV spot with the great Bruce Campbell performing "Hungry Like The Wolf"), via W+K.
(scanned from the latest ESPN magazine)
previously in men's smells:
1. eau de ASS.
2. Yankee Clubhouse soon to smell like Whorehouse.
3. "the rankest compound(s) of villainous smell that ever offended nostril." —Shakespeare

Lies Well Disguised, #38.

Today on Gawker, I briefly wrote about the winning print campaign—which I don't hate!—from last week's Cannes ad festival (link). For previous Lies Well Disguised columns, just type those three words up in my search window.

What, no sharks or leeches?

(click ads to read copy)
What The Fuck is up with all the law firms using goofy animal symbolism? Dykema thinks it's a giraffe amongst zebras. Zuckerman Spaeder says I'm a canary threatened by a lion. And Bingham McCutchen (above) was, first, a lion-chasing zebra (where does the Dykema giraffe fit into this equation?) and now, a baby-coddling grizzly bear. Hey, if any of you crows want to see an idea using puffins, drop me a line.
(all ads scanned from the Wall Street Journal, the bear ad from yesterday's edition)

Flossing Gets Rid Of Plaque, Rent.

(click ad to read copy)
WHAT?
Scenario: Client wants to do a "New York" ad for its dental floss. Agency scratches head/ass/balls/cooter, wondering What The Fuck dental floss has to do with the City of New York but, with a now perfected fake steadfast smile, promises to return with said ad. Agency returns to Client with above ad that makes zero sense, but has very pretty art direction. Client scratches head/ass/balls/cooter, but doesn't want to appear like he/she doesn't "get" the ad, and risk looking "uncool." Client approves ad to run in yesterday's New York Times Magazine. New York man, who puzzlingly scours newspapers and magazines for idiotic ads as a "hobby," spies ad and scratches head/ass/balls. Scans ad. Writes post.
UPDATE!!!—this idea was also made into a big installation, put up along the Hudson River. Go look. (link).
UPDATE #2!!!—campaign won a Gold Lion—proving my point yet again that this business—at every level—is filled with dumbasses who haven't a clue what they're doing—just as long as it looks nice.
previously in WTF?:
1. Your ad's so confusing, it makes Bush's policies look lucid.
2. Strange Ad Image Of The Week.
3. CANTMISSABLE!
4. Taste a Cumulus(?).
5. The Power of Platinum.

Three Skoal bros about to break a total of four legs.

(click ad to enlarge)
Take a closer look at this gotta-be fake composite photoshoot for Skoal. Combine the height from which the three tools are "jumping" from with the shallowness of the water they're "jumping" into, and you get some swallowed Skoal plus some serious injuries. But, the water has to be shallow so's the advertiser can include the bikini babes. I mean, that guy on the left would have been in for a world of hurt when he splatted.
(found in July/August Giant magazine.)
previously in questionable photoshoots:
1. "Middle manager" sends 10,000 horrified concert-goers scrambling for exits.
2. You must be at least as tall as our towers to buy a condo.
3. My early frontrunner for worst ad of 2007.
4. The Ameriprise Co-chairmen.
5. So, feel free to wear your tightest shorts, ladies.
6. ABSOLUT KRAP.
7. Right Gwynnie. And I'm Martian.

Link Haze, 6/22/07.

(Until Labor Day, one of my Friday posts will be a link dump. You got something interesting (ad related), email me: copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com)
• The only thing my favorite gonzo journalist, Matt Taibbi, hates more than democrats is neo-cons (link).
• My favorite Assimilated Negro (as he says, "hide your fried chicken and polo shirts") breaks down the new 50 Cent VitaminWater commercial (link).
• Citizen watches and Peyton Manning are unstoppable. Oh, wait... (link) (thanks Andrei).
• My cyber-sort of friend across the pond, copywriter Scamp, just finished some nice work for Vodofone. The posters are quite striking. (link).

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Banks are indifferent and evil? Who cares!!! Bad pun that doesn't really make sense? Who cares!!! It's fucking Friday!!! It's BEAUTIFUL weather here in NYC!!! And LOOK!!! BeBee Chickies!!! CHICKIES!!!!!!!!!!
previously in bad bank ads:
1. What the marketing director of Chase jerks off to every morning.
2. What the marketing director of Deutsche Bank jerks off to every morning.
3. Meet John Dowd. Banker. Founding Father.
4. ...because he doesn't have a firm understanding of the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act?
5. The Bank of Opportunistic Stock Photo Use.

On lazy-ass copywriting.

Heineken Light, from what I've read, has been a huge success for the Dutch brewery. Which makes it an ideal case study for supporting the argument (well, mine) that good advertising is not needed to successfully launch a product.
OK. To the ads. Seduce Your Palate? Other ads in the campaign are headlined "Temptation Has A Taste" and "Succumb To Smooth." So, is a low-rent romance novelist daylighting as a copywriter here? This pap just might be the worst beer advertising in the history of hops and barley. Yet, it has worked—or at least, not gotten in the way. It makes one (well, me) consider that a big product shot and big logo, combined with "New" as a headline, is all the "creativity" that's ever really needed in advertising.
(poster on Crosby between Prince & Spring)
previously in skunky beer ads:
1. When beer ads tried harder to suck.
2. Bud Select. Expect Everything?
3. U.S. soccer ads as creative as U.S. soccer team.
4. "Darker. No, make him DARKER."

Meet the latest 1-800-OK-CABLE shills.

Future86, "Hi Energy Party-Rock Straight Out of NYC!"...a band with "an arsenal of juvenile delinquent fist pumping rock" (jesus)...they sound like "a collision between The Ramones and No Doubt on speed"...or, more accurately, as tipster/link sender Ryan Reid describes their music: "lite-ska by bland crackers"...song titles include "Give It To Me" and my fav, "I Want It All"—the latest 1-800-OK-CABLE theme song (click here to watch the commercial) that's been sending horrified New Yorkers diving for the remote faster than guitarist Larry (far left in pic) shreds a fret board.
previously in music & advertising:
1. Sanjaya Malakar's ad dopplegänger.
2. India.Arie: pop crap or good shit? Discuss.
3. Lenny Kravitz. ABSOLUT KRAP.
4. Velvet Revolver for John Varvatos.
5. 50's packin'. Nutrients.

80 acres and a mule.

(click ad for clearer look)
I'll field that one. YOU'RE A FUCKING THREE AND HALF HOUR WALK FROM THE NEAREST SUBWAY STATION, AND FOR THIS INCONVENIENCE, I HAVE TO PAY $3,400/MONTH TO RENT A FUCKING ONE BEDROOM. Next question, Peter Cooper Village marketers?
(scanned from today's MetroNY.)
previously in I hate NYC real estate ads:
1. The Power Platinum Couple.
2. The four fashionable faces of Williamsburg.
3. Hendrix rolling over in his puke-filled grave.
4. CLEARLY defining your target audience.
5. Ad scanned from Speech Impediment Monthly.
6. Harlem "lodges" beckon curly-haired cutie-pie.

Lies Well Disguised, #37.

Today on Gawker, I took a look at the new Virgin Mobile "You Rule" campaign that's infested many NYC neighborhoods. It's pissed off more than a few of the locals. Me? Nah. I just think it sucks. (link). For previous Lies Well Disguised columns, just type those three words up in my search window.
(click ads to read smug copy)
(Park Slope ad sent by Bucky at AnimalNewYork who better be restarting his excellent site soon.)

"Live" blogging "from" Cannes.

Everybody who's anybody in the adworld is in Cannes this week for the Cannes Lions 2007 International Advertising Festival, aka "International Ad Men Falling Over Each Other to Give Award-Winning Blow Jobs To Each Other."
OK, so I'm not in Cannes (I was in Cassis in May). But AdAge and AdWeek are. Go read if you want. I don't want.
previously in "live" blogging:
1. "Live blog" of the Super Bowl.
2. "Live" blog of Advertising Week.

Back-alley advertising.

Manhattan Mini Storage, as you can imagine, is just one of a kabillion storage businesses here in shoebox apartment-filled Gotham. So I guess separating oneself from the competition anyway one can is a good move. Still. While a Republican-bashing ad campaign will make most Manhattanites smile, there's a lot more rich conservative right-wingers in town these days than you think. And they've got lots of expensive shit that needs storing.
(tip from jen)
previously in politics & advertising:
1. Your ad's so confusing, it makes Bush's policies look lucid.
2. Anti-Bush. Pro-Cock.
3. Ferrer For Mayor. Better Than Fair.
4. On Political Slogans.
5. UPDATE: Best Political Slogan Ever.

This Week in unfortunate ad juxtaposition.

Your body is a temple, but it needs a smaller front door. Top—ad for the current hip, hot genital procedure for women. Bottom—In-house ad for online health ad index.
(scanned from the current Village Voice. Bottom ad is hard to read because of printer error, not the scan.)
(tip from Oriane)
UPDATE!!!—as a couple of commenters/emailers have pointed out, the Labiaplasty ad is also rife with humorous typos (click image to read copy). 1. "Reduce and beatify (the meaning of which is quite ironic for the ad) irregular labia" and 2. "Relief embarrassment" Maybe the ad was done by Reebok's agency?
previously in the Village Voice:
1. I wanna be a SheMale Escort Ad copywriter.
2. Hope he has a nick rack.
3. The Village Voice Sex Ad (Sexys) Awards.
4. I'm sorry you all suck.

Coming in 2012: The Target® Freedom Tower.

(click photo for closer look)
If God's gonna scorch Earth, Times Square is probably where he/she is gonna start; the disgusting glut of billboards is soul sapping. Speaking of deities (Allah) and souls (suicidal terrorists [I mean, suicide bombers]), does this particular Target board strike (heh, strike) anyone else as a bit too inviting? Maybe it's because I'm one of the many here who witnessed the second plane slamming into the South Tower (For six months after, I had dreams where planes crashed into my childhood home, my high school, my grandparents' house, my dog's house, etc. Fun!). Then again, maybe it's because, after too many years in the ad biz, I always look for the visual in everything. Or maybe, these days, putting a red sign that says "TARGET" 2/3rds of the way up a Manhattan high-rise tower isn't a very smart move.
previously in midtown sightings:
1. President Clinton has never looked handsomer.
2. Times Square billboard juxtaposition.
3. The Great Wall of New York.
related: The "Target" bus.

Link Haze, 6/15/07.

(Until Labor Day, one of my Friday posts will be a link dump. You got something interesting (ad related), email me: copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com)
• A cyber stripper site had a field near Gatwick airport in England painted with this 100,000 sq. ft. pole dancer (link).
• OneMilwaukee.org thinks the sight of a pregnant teenage girl should be as disturbing as this pregnant teenage sk8er boy. They are hopelessly Utopian (link).
• mini art appreciation with copyranter—a Gloucestershire "artist" uses road kill to make, uh, mixed medium works. He also says badger tastes like pork. (link).
• Carlsberg beer, via Saatchi, scattered money around London streets with their stickers on it. (link).
• A turtle walks up to an alligator...finish the joke (link).

I was able to make four.

Dear Ketel One Drinker COLON? Dear Ketel One Drinker COMMA? Dear Ketel One Drinker DASH? Dear Ketel One Drinker ELLIPSIS? How bout you nimrods learn how to punctuate your own doodle-brained ads before you invite me (well not me, I don't drink Ketel One) to play a stupid fucking language game.
(tip sent in by Barbara Scarpa)
previously in imbecilic Ketel One ads:
1. Not everyone hates Ketel One ads...
2. "famous Dutch shrinks" returns zero Google matches.
3. My correspondence with Ketel One continues...
4. You don't have a mouth, Ketel One phone kiosk...
5. Ketel One's subliminal advertising.
6. An unsigned letter from a distillery in Holland.
related on Gawker: Vodka Wars.

Um, her trim needs to be trimmed.

(click images for close-up look at her crotch)
Yes, those fucking ubiquitous iPod posters. Raise your hand if you've ever wanted to punch one of the cool skinny guys in the balls. Anyway, Angela from Chicago (flickr stream) sent me these images, snapped at her bus stop, and pointed out the unfortunate trim shadow. Takes me back to my youth, sneaking peaks at good 'ol pre-Brazilian, 1970s issues of Playboy and Penthouse.
previously in sex in ads1. The American Apparel thread starts here.
2. Actually, it's a raging Chubb.
3. 'Dis is how they do subliminal advertising in Queens.
4. You've cum a long way, baby.
5. Campari. Racks of Booze.

My 702th post! (not counting the scores I've mysteriously deleted)

My 2nd anniversary as a bitter ad blogger is coming up in a couple of weeks. Two years doing this shit! Ain't that pathetic!?! But hey, I've gotten a low-paying Gawker gig out of it, and possibly something else a bit more substantial (stay tuned). In the meantime, If you've got any feedback for future direction/posts, comment here. I will even post every single "go fuck yourself, douchebag."
(pictured—"The Anguisher"—what I use as my computer desktop at work. pretty much sums up what it's like to work in the ad biz.)
sheepish update: as an anon points out, it should read "702nd" not" 702th"
previously in blogging is pathetic:
1. flushing the crankcase.
2. Nemo the goldfish.
3. "Live" "blogging" "from" Cannes.
4. My "live blog" of the Super Bowl ads.

Strawberry Frog's "tee-shirt test."

(click ad to read copy)
Cutesy-named ad agency Strawberry Frog, "your friendly neighborhood global advertising agency" (jesus christ, what fucking pabulum), recently placed this self-promotional ad in Fortune and Business 2.0. This is their message to advertisers: "Your only chance in this kind of culture? Pass the tee shirt test." Their evidence? Their own tee shirts—which, as you can see, feature a frog wearing what looks to be an old Soviet red army beret—are so popular, they can't keep them in stock.
Wow! OK! Here's my $100 million dollar budget! Brand me!
A close reading of their website reveals that the "frogs" (this is seriously what they call each other) say nothing of substance, and nothing different than any other ad agency. We're "award-winning." We're "full-service." We're "nimble!" Not a "dinosaur!" We spark CULTURAL MOVEMENTS (caps theirs)—"a better sequence for planning communications." (which means...what?)
But, if you're willing to change your company name to Purple Lizard or Orange Toad, they'll design a logo and put it on tee shirts for you.
previously in ad agencies are stupid:
1. The Gate leads, um, nowhere...
2. Y&R thanks me for screwing you.
3. ANDYs promoted with anilingus.
4. ...the difference being his salary is about 6 bucks per second.
5. McCann, I believe that should be: Lies Well Disguised.
related on Gawker: BBDO: Neither 'B' stands for "Bloated."

Lies Well Disguised, #36.

Today on Gawker, I sort-of reviewed a web video for Ray-Ban sunglasses that's caused quite a bit of hubbub (link). For previous Lies Well Disguised, just type those three words up in my search window.

Thanks to Hurricane Katrina, we now have a new nickname for Crystal Meth.

(snapped on W. 3rd near Mercer. click pic to read copy. ignore the black band sticker or whatever the fuck it is.)
New Orleans, you weren't destroyed in vain. Here's a couple more bitchin' nicknames to put in your useless ads: Crystal Gale (keeping with the wind theme); Killy Crystal; Tina Burner, etc. Note the 12 logos at the bottom of the poster. Makes it hard to pinpoint the blame for this thing.

Introducing the most Douche ever splattered on a polo shirt.

(click image to better examine the new official logo of the born-rich)
For Dads & Grads named Chad. I thought the Big Pony was the apex of Douchery. I was obviously wrong. Yes. It's an entire fucking polo match as a crest. From a distance, it just looks like a huge condiment stain.
previously in really stupid fashion ads:
1. DIESEL woos fcuk hoi polloi.
2. Dead is the new Black.
3. Sailing with Carson and Justin.
4. Jimmy Choo. Shoes to die for.
5. The Gays don't shop Daffy's.

A Mind Is A Terrible Thing If It's Hemorrhaging.

(click image to read copy)
A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Waste has been the United Negro College Fund's tagline since 1972. Lately, ad agency Y&R has been using mildly attractive though very predictable art direction to appeal to our donating senses. Here, in an ad scanned from the latest Atlantic Monthly, Dr. Charles Drew, African-American and developer of the Blood Bank, is recognized. But...I'm thinking and feeling that a big bloody brain bag maybe wasn't the best of choices for a visual.
update! as commenter gigi points out, it also looks like three jellyfish.
also in minorities in advertising:
1. Nice package!
2. R&R minus R&B.
3. Diversity has a mascot.
4. TimeWarner hires white killers, white freaks...
5. AdAge's White Christmas.

Racks of Booze.

(click Salmas for closer look)
Previously (left), I was left scratching my head wondering if Campari was really simply using Salma Hayek's big tits and only Salma Hayek's big tits to sell their yucky liqueur. I visited the "Hotel Campari" website in search of a movie tie-in or hotel story line to go with the print ads, and found nothing but a passionless short video and some stills. Now (right), a second print ad from the campaign—found in yesterday's New York Times magazine—puts Salma Hayek's big tits even front-er and center-er. Note the ridiculously obvious bottle-as-erect-penis positioning. Also notice that the lemon twist is the same shape as the cleavage created by Salma Hayek's big tits. Notice that the ice cube has been retouched to match Hayek's bracelet. Also, the ice cube probably represents one of the man's testicles.
previously in liquor ads:
1. What's on your headstone, Tommy?
2. The drunken conversation is waiting.
3. Worst. Anthropomorphism. Ever.
4. Captain Morgan Tattoo?

RUN EASY. PROOF LAZY.

I admit it. When Helen Rosner at rsgo.blospot.com first brought this Reebok subway placard to my attention (she was the first of several people), I thought it just might be an intentional typo; leaving the "R" in EVERYTHING out on purpose to emphasis that doing things too fast is bad. Because, it was just too bad of a mistake to be accidental. Well as you can see (right), I was wrong. It was an inexplicable, unintentional mistake.
I've already ripped "RBK" for their shitty creative and stupid positioning. Now add slipshod proofreading to the list.
(Read Helen's post on this here, in which she rightly rips me a new one.)
previously in Reebok:
1. So, Reebok running shoes help prevent puking?
2. Reebok's new ad messaging: We Know You Suck!
related:
1. ING: ProofING.

BREAKING: writer endorses alcohol.

(click ad to read copy)
Chuck Palahniuk (pronounced...I don't fucking know), author of Fight Club and seven other novels, is a manly masculine (and gay, according to wikipedia) writer. He lived on a fucking cattle ranch, worked as a fucking diesel mechanic, and wrote fucking manuals on fixing fucking trucks. So of course he drinks fucking Scotch. Copy reads: "Although he hasn't slowed down for a decade, Palahniuk...nonetheless finds time to enjoy a good scotch on Friday night." Fucking-A, Chuck P. Even though I'm a fucking bourbon man myself, I would gladly do a fucking advertorial for Wild fucking Turkey 101. I think more writers should follow Palahniuk's lead and endorse their favorite fucking poison—you know, before it fucking kills them.
(scanned from this week's New Yorker)
UPDATE!—there's a heated debate going on in the comments over the pronunciation of Chuck's last name.
previously in alcohol:
1. The best tagline in the history of alcoholism.
2. Greenland coldcocks American beers.
3. Excuse Me While I Puke And Die.
4. Buzzed Driving Is Drunk Driving?

Lies Well Disguised, #35.

Do you want my job? Yesterday on Gawker, I wrote a semi-serious, bullet-pointed plan on how to get your foot in the door of this unbelievably stupid business (link). Please note that the last three bullets of the piece were written by somebody at Gawker because, I guess, he/she thought doing so made for a better ending. For previous Lies Well Disguised, just type those three words up in my search window.

Delta. Playa.

Apparently unbankrupted (Are they flying planes? I wouldn't know. I don't fly airlines that make vagina jokes.), Delta recently broke a big new shiny campaign tagged: Change is: Delta. Here in NYC, the executions are all over subway cars and phone kiosks. This here kiosk is smack in the middle of the NYU campus neighborhood. That must explain the def, rad, phat, ill "That's fly" copy line. Very 1990. Keep keepin' it real, D-Air.
previously in airlines:
1. "trimming the stabilizers..."
2. How did Air France become #1 in Europe?
3. Taglines are DUMB: Continental.

Today in torturous puns.

(scanned from the Summer issue of Aspen magazine)
previously in Bad Puns:
1. Every time someone makes a bad pun, an angel's wings burst into flames.
2. Head. Exploding. Pun. Overdose.
3. Live by the pun. Die by the pun.
4. Chuck brings the Suck.
related on Gawker: Kenneth Cole. Worst copywriter in history.

I also hate parents.

I've already told you how much I hate your kids. Now last week, I stumbled upon this during one of my daily voyages across the fucked-up Internet. It's the artwork for a precious little "onesie." Isn't it ah-dorable?!? It's of course part of an absolutely idiotic 00's trend among "cool" parents to plaster their infants with their PUNK ROCK attitudes. While it's true that the great Angus Young dressed like a school kid on stage, that is not an excuse for you to project your fear of dying onto your progeny. Passersby should then be allowed to scream, at the top of their lungs, 'AC FUCKING DC!!!' an inch from your kid's face, and then spit beer on him/her.
previously in I need (more) therapy:
1. I hate kids.
2. Sex Machine Friday!!!
3. Flushing the Crankcase.
4. advertising sucks smelly DICK.
5. Nemo the goldfish.
related on Gawker: The Watchtower Pamphlet—a Review.

If you were made of platinum, you too could afford a Manhattan condo.

(click images for closer look)
Meet Mr. & Mrs. Platinum—the elite power couple of New York City. They both arise, powerfully, at 5 am in their powerful Hell's Kitchen "cutting-edge" condo to do their power workouts and eat their power breakfasts of energy shakes and energy bars. Next, they shower together (their shower head, of course, emits powerful streams) and make powerful love to each other. After toweling off, they each give the other's powerful platinum body a fresh coat of platinum paint. Only then, do they make their way downtown to their powerful jobs as platinum traders.
previously in powerfully stupid NYC real estate ads:
1. Hendrix rolling over in his puke.
2. Williamsburg: Radically Chic. Chicly Radical.
3. Caledonia slightly updates its ad twats.
4. CLEARLY defining your target audience.
5. She feels pretty empty.
6. Corporate real estate stooges redefine "shocking."

OK teaser ad becomes excellent teaser ad thanks to media placement.

(click ad for closer look.)
Often, the oh-so-precious weddings double-page spread in the Sunday New York Times is ad-free, so's the paper can cram in as many Important Couples as possible. But yesterday, my mocking eyes were met by the above teaser ad for the HBO show Big Love (returns June 11th). Probably done by my buddies at BBDO. But you guys pussied out with the website (Or you're just lazy. Or the client insisted.). You should have created a different, semi-blind landing page, something like—"For a list of retailers near you visit hbo.com/retailers" You would have gotten more click-throughs.
UPDATE!—an anon commenter says this was done by Creature in Seattle.
previously in stuff I didn't completely hate:1. YKK trade ad.
2. Iggy Pop for John Varvatos.
3. caffeinated cheerleader for T-Mobile.
4. Peter Stormare for VW.

Lies Well Disguised, #34.

Attention Vampires! Marketing MBA eggheads keep wiring up consumers in efforts to discover the fail-safe TV commercial formula. Are they getting any closer? What the hell are Attention Vampires? It's all explained in this week's Gawker column (link). For previous Lies Well Disguised columns, just type those three words up in my search window.