Friday, February 29, 2008

Link Haze, 2/29/08.

• If you're one of the unfortunate ones who hasn't seen Garfield comic strips minus Garfield (click right), I've just made your fucking day. (link)
• Speaking of Douchebags, go play GiggleSugar's fun Who's Douchier? game. (link)
• Speaking of the Gene Simmons (publicity stunt) sex tape, here's an excellent review of it. (link)
• cp+b (horses' asses) just won the $300 mil+ Microsoft account. I think we can safely say the creative work will improve a tad. (link)
• AT&T billboard hijacked by civil liberty fighters. (link)
• Amex foists Diane von Furstenberg gibberish on credit-crunched consumers. (link)
• Speaking of fashion brands, here's a few iconic logos made out of cocaine. (link)
• Do you know what tomorrow is? It's St. Patrick's Day! Well, in Hoboken (where I lived for years) it is! If you're so inclined, hop on the PATH—you will not find a higher Mook concentration within a square mile in the history of humanity. (link)
• Annoying ubiquitous NYC "Philosophy" subway poster abused. (link)
• Ronald Reagan, Chesterfields shill ("I, I don't recall that."). (link)
• From Florida adman Jetpacks: VW bus limo (link); the Quaker oats Quaker gets a Quakeover (link); and how art directors should do Hawaiian Shirt Fridays (link).
• GI Joes defeat squirrel. (link)
• The Pepsi logo is to become the world's biggest, ugliest ferris wheel in the middle of the swampy New Jersey meadowlands. (link)
• Monkey does handstand on tightrope-walking goat. (link)
• The hardest working graying, balding black man in advertising. (link)
• David Beckham endorses Sharpie® pens. Which makes perfect sense when—since coming to America to personally save U.S. Soccer—he has played about 10 minutes of football while signing about 160 million autographs. (link)
• Finally, Chocolate Dick Hats. (link)

Hotpoint refrigerator ad from the 1970s targeted the Irish.

(click ad for closer look)
Fucking Leap Day. This should be a day when everybody gets to do whatever the hell they want, within the law. Like wear a cowboy hat in Paris. Bang a MILF stewardess. Or, slowly drink bourbon on the rocks all damn day long. Which brings me to this ad. That's me at 7, grabbing some ice for my first Highball of the morning while chatting up a couple of neighborhood hotties sipping rum & Cokes. re: this post's headline—I'm about 3/4s Irish, and a couple of relatives have died from alcoholism, so chill. (image via)

Next time, why not add little floating pieces of ash to represent the WTC workers who jumped to their deaths?


(click ad to read copy)
If you don't quit smoking, the terrorists will have won.
New anti-smoking print ad by DDB New Zealand for ASH (Action on Smoking and Health). Doyle Dane Bernbach, of course, has a long legacy of whip-smart, original creative thought. So, I'm sure the men (yes, it was all men) who created this masterpiece had no knowledge of the anti-smoking ad from last September by the Khaleej Times in Dubai that featured the exact same cheap visual trick. Maybe—just a suggestion here—it's time for the world's insensitive, hackneyed ad peoples to exploit some other past tragedies in their efforts to win those oh-so-important ad awards.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Glamour Says to Grit, "Move to Bushwick."

(click ad for closer look)
The EDGE. Williamsburg meets Wall Street. Graffiti meets Givenchy. Indie rock bands meet stone countertops. Radically Chic meets Chicly Radical. Wide open views meet wide open legs. An easy-on-the-eyes logo meets a condo eyesore. Hyperbolic NYC real estate advertising meets a new bullshit buzz phrase.
(scanned from this week's Time Out New York)

Ed Hardy eau de toilette copy malodorous.

(click to see adjectives and nouns mauling the shit out of each other)
"The final effect is of masculine floralcy(?) tattooed onto wood..."
Thus ends this positively dizzying passage of copy found on Macy's Website for the new, much-hyped "vintage tattoo-inspired" fragrance. YOU read it and try to figure out what the hell it smells like, then get back to me. previously in fragrances: a base of Vagina and Derek Jeter with top notes of the Pope. (thanks PJ for the tip)

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

...and some things are not.

(click ad for closer look)
That's Anthony Bourdain in one of a series of ads placed in trade rags like Broadcasting & Cable promoting Travel Channel's HD programming. previous things you'd rather not see: topographical zombie Bono; an abacus in a brokerage ad; 10-year-old girls with D-cups; bestiality. (thanks to Jim Petrosky for the image)
update: Bourdain also dislikes the ad.

three out of four advertising "creatives" sport creative facial hair, wear creative eyewear.

(click image to study the creature known as the Ad Creative) Hey fourth guy? Who do you think you are—a rebel? For those of you outside of this sycophantic industry wondering what a typical ad writer/art director looks like, these four creative director/supervisor judges from some recent awards show—the ass-sucking ANDYs I believe (which I also once judged in my previous give-a-shit life)—pretty much represent. They've all worked ungodly hours and fellated much dick. And their ideas=their daughters. (pic from AdAge issue a couple of weeks ago)

Arrive Alive again invades drunk clubgoers bathroom space with abstract drunk-driving installations.


(click images to read copy)
ArriveAlive, via South African ad agency The Jupiter Drawing Room, previously plastered a plastered slutty chick on club bathroom walls/floors to serve as a warning against drunk driving. Here, they've helpfully given piss-drunk pissing women a place to put their hands for balance so they can relieve themselves without touching their asses to the disgusting toilet seat (important—right party girls?). For shitfaced shitting men, the wheels are good to grab onto for support while squeezing out that extra stubborn turd. And, I guess, if one is not too drunk to comprehend these silly (f)art installations, one might think twice about driving drunk. Jesus, I need a double 100 proof Wild Turkey on the rocks right now. (images via)

SoHo/NoHo business report: Shapiro Hardware on Bleecker @ Lafayette.

(click pic for closer look)
How the awful Shapiro Hardware stays in business is a fucking mystery (gotta be a front). Their stock? Terrible. Their prices? Ridiculous. Their service? Uncivilized. And, if you happen to have to take a leak while shopping, you apparently run the risk getting electrocuted by a one of their rude clerks heating up his three-day-old Chalupa. Or something. Don't ask. That microwave looks to be about 30 years old. Note the helpful skull & crossbones. previous SoHo/NoHo business reports: Bank Pen Wars! Commerce vs Chase; Bond #9's NYC neighborhoodies for your nose; Otto Tootsi Plohound—these boots were made for gawking. (pic by the archeress)

1980 Penthouse subscription ad targeted men with triangular-shaped penises.

(click ad to read copy)
It's part II of the Penthouse vintage magical ad tour (part I featured a wonderfully racy/cheesy living room scene from 1972 that maybe signaled the birth of amateur porn). Here, the Bob Guccione-founded publication, "by far and away the leader in the sophisticated men's magazine market," according to the copy, directly challenged the cocksmanship of its readers. And the coupon's shape also challenged the scissorship of its readers. Also? I'm sure more than a few men tried to fill that space with a liquid that wasn't ink (eww! that's disgusting! [men are pigs, ladies.]). related: new naked-woman German typeface—Playmatica. (thanks to Simon for the image)

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

ADVERTISING IS PUNDAMENTAL.

(LA Metro Website banner ad that also appears as a billboard near the 134 freeway in Pasadena, according to tipster Maxwell Harwitt.)
See Kenny Cole? This is how you do the Pun. The phrase works on both levels. You will miss horrific Los Angeles County traffic if you go Metro. And, LA Metro is in fact looking for the next Miss Traffic. Zing & Zing! But seriously, young ad writers—don't use puns. They're bad bad BAD news (see headline).

(hand in air) QUESTION!

(click image for closer look)
Sprite billboard snapped on one of the islands of Trinidad and Tobago. Umm, but doesn't Sprite gas eventually become my gas? Isn't that, in fact, "Things, The Way They Are" as this apparently localized tagline states (the US slogan is Obey Your Thirst)? This billboard is a vicious gas attack on sense and logic! previously in bad beverage billboards: enviga. worse than confusing; CRAPPLE; Vitamin Water—50 Cent's packin'. Nutrients. (thanks to Andrei at antyx.net for the image)

DEUTSCH: apparently not a bestiality magazine.


(click ads for closer look)
Licken Meinen Snatchen. Well, Deutsch, a German "international lifestyle magazine," is certainly indelibly branding themselves by employing an eager German Shepherd in its ads (hey, at least he [or maybe it's a female?] gives oral). Also, his day rate's gotta be pretty reasonable.
But how 'bout dem sexxxually-charged Deutschlanders! Playing Sudoku while doggy-styling their lovers; Plastering Ass all over their subway system; creating Playmate® typefaces; using exotically-flavored lubricants and dangerously thin condoms? Gott im Himmel! (images via)

Monday, February 25, 2008

Sudoku, Draw-By-Numbers Bunny help sell extended-pleasure condoms.


(click ads for closer look)
LoveMachine: the condoms that help you last as long as an actual love machine (as opposed to this impossibly thin rubber). Me, I suck at puzzles. So, I would definitely, eh, finish before I finished that Sudoku grid. But point taken. This German campaign gets the "last-longer" sell across better than this puzzling Durex ad. Are you paying attention, horny NYU boys? ADDN: These racy ads are the antithesis of this wimpy Today condom ad from the 1980s. (images via)

Gene Simmons sex tape apparently a publicity stunt.

(click image for closer look)
New billboard up on Lafayette St. promoting the new season of Simmons's A&E show, and also asking you to text whether you believe if the Kisser (here's the video, if you really must see it) has bedded said number of women. Or maybe it's asking if you would, in fact, lay under the flabby rocker whilst he pumps you? Or is it asking if you were one of the "4800?" No matter, Wilt Chamberlain says, 'catch up shorty.' related: Lenny Kravitz's Love Revolution; Pattex Glue keeps rockers from trashing hotel room.

Vegas promo campaign connects with non-douchebags, borderline douchebags, deluded douchebags, and out-and-out douchebags equally.

(click ad to read copy)
The Douchebag. It is an ever-fluctuating designation. I've walked the line. But, I've never been to Vegas. If you don't gamble and you think ugly things are, well, ugly, what's to see? The desert? I'll take Arizona, thanks. That said, I admire the honesty of this print ad (from LA Weekly), if not the terrible layout. None of this 'Vegas is a delightful destination where parents can bring the kids' hooey. Any place that Douchebagette Paris Hilton calls a second home ain't Classyopolis. And by acknowledging that Vegas is Douchebag ground zero—even if it is satirically—the ad instantly appeals to an ad-weary audience.
(thanks to Amanda Deveaux for the image)

Spanish newspaper invites us to play a game of 'What's wrong with this 9/11 picture?'


(click ad to read copy)
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah—it's another 9/11 ad!
Do you know that the TransAmerica building is not in New York City, and that the second WTC attack plane was most certainly not a Hercules military transport plane? Smartie! You must read El Pais (The Country), Spain's largest daily paper. At least that's what this double-page ad from the tabloid is implying. In its defense, the ad is of course talking to Spaniards—who I'm sure don't have every detail of that day forever burned into their brains like I do. (On the other hand, they could tell me all the macabre details of the March 11, 2004 Madrid subway bombings.) Buuut, does turning the WTC terrorist attack into a kid's game you might find on the back of a dive diner's paper placemat make the newspaper look smart? previously in WTC ads: the closest some of us will ever get to heaven; WTC asbestos ad; hey, isn't that plane flying a little low?; two pre-9/11 foreboding ads with WTC visuals; even more fun, foreboding WTC imagery. (image via. thanks to David Hall for the heads up.)

Friday, February 22, 2008

Link Haze, 2/22/08.

Sugar Bush the squirrel as Benazir Bhutto (don't send your hate mail to me). (link)
• The New York City High School for Innovation in Advertising & Media (which I half-assedly posted on last September) now has a short name: I.AM High. (link)
• Pepsi has a stupid new tagline: More Happy. Coke to unveil Morer Happier next month. (link, via)
• Guinness wants St. Patrick's Day made into a national holiday. I want a Guinness right this very fucking moment. (link)
• New York's orthodox Jews are not happy with the promiscuous "Get Some" NYC condom tagline. (link)
• Big Union Nod, Lying Yankee, and other band names culled from this week's Google headlines. (link)
• Strong, black women saluted with weak, white ads. (link)
Rent-A-Dildo. Via.
• In honor of President's Day, a 37-year-old man swallowed a bag of Meth and then tried to purchase a watch using $100 bills with Lincoln on them. He was summarily tasered. (link)
• A whiny group called Fathers and Husbands whined about the Pepsi spot with Justin Timberlake because Mr. FutureSex got slammed in the balls. (link)
• Brooklyn is the great melting pot, and so sometimes you get some creative English signage. (link)
• Lawyers and the blues do not go together. Unless the song's about a shot-dead lawyer. (link)
• Kenneth Cole, the Worst Copywriter In The History Of Advertising™, has a blog. It's called AWEARNESS. Of course it is.
• "Nosy" is not a smart cover letter word. (link)
• Tylenol's new campaign tries to own the Headache. (link)
• An in-depth look at the depiction of Gays in advertising. (link)
• Creepy Russian tombstones. (link)
• Agent Provocateur puts live stripping model in window display. (link)
• Finally, Britney Spears in 20 years. (link)

Through advertising, Tom Ford continues to inform heterosexual men that he doesn't want them buying his products.


(click ads for closer look)
Previously, Tom Ford literally cock-blocked salivating troglodytes by placing a bottle of his men's fragrance over a woman's shaved nether regions. The ad had a strong underlying message to hetero men: 'My cologne will make you smell like a vagina.'
This time, he again uses crotch-messaging to dissuade straight men from buying his stylish offerings. The above ad says, 'If you wear Tom Ford clothing to a party, naked women will viciously grab and twist your cock until you shout out in pain.' Look at the expression on the woman's face; she is not "turned on." She is pissed off. Also, to further insult us pussy pumpers, Ford cast a dashing gay model to play a "metrosexual" straight man (note the insulting flavored beer). And, of course, the main reason I know Tom Ford doesn't want us heteros purchasing his products is that he placed the ad in Details magazine. Duh. Update: as I supposed with Ford's vagina ad, a reader has brought up the possibility that the woman is not a "woman." Previous naked ass in a fashion ad: Kate Moss's NoHo Ass. Previous hot man in a fashion ad: auto repairs by A/X underwear model Clint Mauro. related: DEEP THINK—the posing of male fashion models.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

a better example of a "one ad wonder" you will not find.

(click ad to read)
French ad for Yoba erotic toys—it's a masturbating ad! Kudos to the creative team for eschewing the lame double entendre headlines that pollute this category. Boodos to them for not pushing their decent one joke idea further and turning the concept into an excellent campaign. Instead, they just got two more colorfully-dressed women and repeated the same camera trick (see all three ads here). The second & third ads add nothing, and are a complete waste of the client's money. This hemp store ad is still the best "vibrating" one I've ever seen. related: Gilbert Gottfried would be an excellent SpokesPerv for the Fleshlight male sex toy.

WARHOL STILL CHURNING OUT CRAP 20 YEARS AFTER HIS DEATH.

(click ad for closer look)
The advertising art director's (yes, Andrew Warhola was an ad hack) hooey huey technique has been used to sell an ugly Williamsburg condo building, so why not Orbit gum? A banana is food that you eat, and Orbit is gum you chew after eating food. Bingo—ad! Hey Depend, why don't you try working one of Warhol's brilliant urine canvases into a TV spot? And maybe Campbell's should repackage their soup cans to look like his stupid paintings. That would complete the hypey hacky circle. WE ARE ALL ANDY WARHOL! (ad by Czech Republic agency Mark BBDO, via)

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Latest American Apparel Ad Posted With Minimal Comment.

(click ad to examine the "piece")
I started posting these stark, artless, soulless soft porn ads exactly 20 months ago today. And, well, I just feel like I have to see this seemingly pointless process through to an end—whatever form that end may take. Just FYI: Titsy here apparently incited an angry righteous reader of the Austin Chronicle to take action and mail the paper a Post-It® note of Fury. Addn: for you non-social scientists just interested in a wank, here's more AA Tits (1, 2, 3, 4) and AA Ass (1, 2, 3, 4). (scanned from the back of L) update: go to PollsBoutique to vote "appropriate" or "inappropriate" on this ad.

"Now go put on some lingerie and clean the bathroom while I get sh*tfaced."

(click ad for closer look)
I've choked down some shitty beers in my days. Black Label. Schaefer (the one beer to have when you're having more than one). Iron City. Ironic hipster staple PBR (Dude! It's like got a blue ribbon, but it tastes like crap!). Genesee. Bud (the choice of 1930s households with black butlers). Piel's. But Schlitz is definitely the worst. Kinda like a mix of piss and sludge. (ad from the 1950s, found here)

There's no need to fear, lawyer dog is here.


(click ad for closer look)
His name is Torty! (I'm kidding, it's Winston.) And apparently, Womble Carlyle's mascot pre-dates all the other law firms' kooky animal friends, including Bingham McCutchen's Grizzly, Zuckerman Spaeder's bearded dragon, Dykema's giraffe, and Day Pitney's emu. (ad scanned from today's Wall Street Journal.)

Do you like my two new Comme des Garçons shirts?


(click ads for closer look)
I am nothing if not a post-modern Beau Brummell. So, after spying these two Comme des Garçons shirt ads in Paper, I marched into their Chelsea boutique and asked to try on "My Little Eye," and "Heart Beat Machine." However, the androgyne Eurasian salesperson informed me that these were, in fact, not shirts, but "machine sculptures" by the French artist Paul Granjon. I was having none of it. "It says 'SHIRT,' see?" I said to her/him pointing at the ads. He/She said that what the ads probably meant was that Comme des Garçon was saying that their shirts are works of art. "OHHHHH," I said knowingly with a wink. "Edgy," I said, backing up and smiling and shooting double gun fingers at him/her. previously in fashion ads from ScatterBrainia: Frankie Morello's half-naked forest sprite; the Uniqlo antelope; DEAD is the new BLACK; the Sergio Rossi contortionist.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

New Zoo York Jenna Jameson deck likely to send many rail-grinding, boner-sporting Sk8er boyz to the emergency room.


(click ad for closer look)
I got a Porn Star between my legs (heh heh)...Is that design available in a looongboard (wink wink)?...Oh yeah baby, I grind all day (sorry). What do I think of the ad, via david & goliath? Meh. The Kama Sutra's been riffed on many times before...this execution is above average. Buuut, wouldn't Jenna be a bit of a distraction while trying to perform your triple Ollies or whatever the fuck it is you street rebels call your slick tricks these days? previously in ad phallicism: TOO MUCH TEETH!!!; these men's dress shoes are Large Penises; two gay men separated by big, sweaty Bud Light bottle. (image via)

Controversial sketch of Prophet Muhammad found in Washington Heights.

(click image for closer look)
I'm sure most of you remember the Danish Muhammad cartoon kerfuffle from 2005. More recently, over 100,000 people have signed an online petition to force Wikipedia to take down an apparently offensive image of the founder of Islam. The site has steadfastly refused. Not to further incite controversy, but at right is a drawing I found on a NYC Auxiliary Police Program placard hanging outside an A train subway station elevator in the Heights. Blasphemers! (But hey, at least he's smiling.) What's my religious affiliation, you ask? Well, much like Satan, I Hate Church. previously in Washington Heights: the Dead Horseshoe Crab of 185th St.; the windshield Snow Penises of March 2007; and the Grand Ba Ba, "the ascended master of cleaning avatars."

"...and the heathens sheathed their penises in Devil Skins."


GET SOME?
For those readers not from the sleazy City of New York, this is the new, government-sanctioned tagline for the official NYC Department of Health condoms...why not just make it GET SOME WET TIGHT WAXED PUSSY? Don't we have enough of a reputation as the God-less liberal Gomorrah of America, Mayor Bloomberg (who is currently and ongoing-ly fornicating out of wedlock)? What's next? Official NYC Condom Umbrellas?!? Condom Gumball machines?!? EvilDoers!
If we're going to be so promiscuous as to hand out free rubbers, then I propose we package them in something like the above (R) paper condom wrapper from the 1930s. It would serve as a stern reminder to idolatrous New Yorkers that every single sperm is sacred (thank you, Monty Python), and maybe then, more local men would think before they shoot.
("Devil Skin" image via—where you can see 20 other paper condom wrappers from the 1930s & 1940s.)

Friday, February 15, 2008

Link Haze, 2/15/08.

• In case you missed it, Cracked posted a bunch of web banners, altered to be more truthful. (link)
The Seattle Times refused to run an ad for The Vagina Monologues because the show's logo looks like, you know, a fucking vagina. (link)
• Barack Obama has posed for the cutest baby pic so far on the campaign trail. (link)
• More inside dish from Agency Tart: she received a doozy of a resume that featured the phrase "...the profitable resolve of complex entities." (link)
• Feast your eyes on the 2,900-calorie french fries from Outback Steakhouse. Jeez, I thought the Angus Box o' Lard was bad. (link)
• Brooklyn parking meters, tagged for Valentine's Day. (link)
• The best ad I've ever seen for...banana-flavored condoms. (link)
• I believe Victoria's Secret would have an ironclad legal case against this furniture company. (link)
• $10,000 jeans (christ). Wear these, and you gotta buy yourself one of them $7,000 cell phones. (link)
• It's Black History Month! Did you know Black people have actually invented some stuff? Pandering advertisers certainly do. (link)
• Kim Kardashian for Bongo jeans. Perfect. (link)
• Do not trust CNN maps. (link)
• Finally, horrible or brilliant pizza box advertising? (link, via)
(image via)

ZOMBIE COLONEL SANDERS DENIED AIRTIME.


As you may have read, PETA says they tried to get FOX to broadcast two newish spots in their KentuckyFriedCruelty campaign during this year's Super Bowl, but were denied. After watching the videos (click here ONE, TWO)—which are mildly blackly humorous, and feature human chickens and a reincarnated evil Colonel Sanders—you'll realize that PETA is full of shit. Because, A) they know by now that no major network will air commercials that bash their cash-cow, fast-food chain advertisers, and B) the animal rights org had no intention of spending the 3 mil per :30 media money in the first place. Now—if they could've worked in a lettuce-bikini-ed Pam Anderson, well maybe sleazy FOX would've reconsidered.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Fake painted-on clothing used to sell "ultra thin" panty liners.


(click ads to examine the Photoshopped artistry)
For very light days. I found these ads here. I don't know what country they're from—almost certainly not America. If you happen to know, comment please (update: South Africa. see comments.). Anyway, implying that your panty liners are so thin, you can wear them with painted-on (or drawn-on) clothing is pretty dramatic and ballsy (or "vagina-y", if you will). Personally, I'd like to know what, if anything, is real in these ads? The models? The clothing? The bodies? The breasts? Certainly, not the overt product claim. I'd add that these liners are not recommended for use while swimming with sharks.

...too much teeth...TOO MUCH TEETH!!!

Anybody else's penis out there painfully throbbing from the memory of an excruciating cheese-grater blow job? In honor of Valentine's Day, I present yet another example of phallic symbolism in advertising. But you say 'mister pervert copyranter, you're reading too much into this ad for Fragoli wild strawberry liqueur; the (dick-) hungry woman is biting the (schlong) bottle because you can actually eat Fragoli—it contains whole strawberries.' I say, riiight, the bottle's just a bottle. Just like these shoes are just shoes, this electric screwdriver is simply a tool (heh), and this huge sweaty raging Bud Light chubby is just a beer bottle. Plus, it's not like the honorable ad industry has ever used such sleazy tactics before, right? RIGHT? addn: the Fragoli bottle wants at the Absolut Vagina. (image from New York Times Website, found by "Mittens LaRoux")

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

BAD WATER! BAD, BAD WATER!!


(click ads to read copy)
Today in the New York Times, Stuey "scoop" Elliott reports on the creative efforts of U.S. ad agencies to aid global water projects. So, to be timely, I'm posting these two international "bad water" ads that've been drying in my "to be posted" file.
(L)—LOOKY! It's 9/11! Once again exploited in the name of deadlier death (last time, you may remember, it was an insensitive anti-smoking ad out of Dubai). Here, it's part of a goofyfuck diorama ad for French humanitarian organization Solidarités. Puppet planes! I knew it was a conspiracy. (image via)
(R)—Unicef in Sweden goes right for the heart with the tried & true doe-eyed African youngin' (close-up face shots are popular with "cause" ads). And, while the water pistol isn't exactly a sparkling fresh metaphor, at least the Swedes didn't need a fucking math equation to get the point across. (image via)
related: Amnesty International takes on Genital Mutilation and China.

Marlboro Man dons suit, visits gay Pari. Becomes disoriented.

(click ad to read copy)
A real cowboy would never smoke pussy-ass filtered cigarettes. But Philip Morris certainly wasn't going to abandon their iconic studmuffin cowpuncher (if you told him there was pee in his butt, he wouldn't even blink). So, what to do? Dress him in Pierre Cardin, and get him as far away from the fucking prairie as possible. Maybe he'll meet a hot mademoiselle smoking Fuck-Me Camels. (Readers? Step up the tip quality, or I'll keep digging up these stupid vintage ads. Don't make me post the hatebot again.) (image via) related: four more vintage cigarette ads.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I now like two (2) Old Spice commercials.


Misanthrope flabbergasted! First, Wieden+Kennedy made the best deodorant commercial ever. Now, they've followed that up with this perfectly harebrained spot for Old Spice hair & body wash. The casting is artwork. Previously in stuff I like: Holiday Inn TV spots; Snickers Halloween ad; Cingular commercial; Calgary Hemp Store ad; John Varvatos/Iggy Pop outdoor posters.

Monday, February 11, 2008

And think of the plane as her womb.

(click ad to read copy)
Oedipussy. Creepy American Airlines ad from 1968 when your Mom was hot. When "business class" was chain-smoking men with their pants unbuckled, and flight attendants were sashaying short-skirted stewardesses. When the hardcore hooch flowed non-stop and ass-pinching was the service bell. That was flying "The American Way." You say, 'thank goodness we've come so far vis-a-vis airline advertising.' I say, HAVE WE? (image via, thanks again to Loren Bolstridge for the tip) related: Delta. Playa.; Delta makes "Brazilian" joke; Continental: taglines are DUMB.

Bill's still a believer in the Hai Karate Impact.


(click ad for closer look)
Smells Like Teen Voters. Probable spec ad (update: no, it's a real ad. see comments.) by BBH New York for Axe, eau de teenage wannabe Mooks the world over. This is a primo example of the laziest, easiest type of ad concept—borrowed interest that has nothing to do with the product. Either that, or they're actually saying that Barack Obama wears Axe? But if that good-looking man wears any fragrance, I think it's probably Derek Jeter's 'Driven'. Yet another way to read this ad is that it's implying that hubby Bill's the one who wears Axe, the stench of which has driven Hill to not only quit her campaign, but pursue her sexy opponent amorously. Your two cents welcome. (there's also a McCain version) related: fake political buttons ad for Dems '08.
update: go to PollsBoutique to vote your opinion on the ad.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Link Haze, 2/08/08.

It's the American Apparel lady liberty (click pic) by Marc Quinn, via.
Freakonomics is looking for a six-word U.S. motto to replace In God We Trust. After exactly three seconds of thought, I came up with: Red White And Blue. Fuck You. (link)
Live Bait Latte. Mmmm. (link)
Win a £8,000 holiday to...Kenya. (link)
The Titty Ho Motor Company. (via)
careerbuilder.com has plastered passageways under Grand Central Station with posters. (link)
Some guy had an "owl" (it looks nothing like a fucking owl) carved into the back of his head for a fashion week event, and Vice thinks this was "brilliant." (link)
Local Ad Report: a landscaping company puts rocks in a Ziploc bag to make cutesy driveway mail pieces. (link)
How much do you love pasta? Not this much. (link)
You wanna see a cool fucking video? This is a cool fucking video (thanks to Andrei at antyx.net).
Bed-Stuy doesn't give a shit who will be the next President. (link)
Oh looksy: a cutesy ribbon logo thingy for the striking writers. (link)
Kellogg's reuses and Photoshops an image from its MLK ad in its Black History Month ad. Slick. (link)
Romanian man sues a sex shop because his sex doll lost its (her?) moan. Man wins case. (link)
Lastly, The 10 funniest anti-drug spots in advertising history. (link)
update @ 4:28 pm: jesus christ, I need to blow some doob right now...

MEET THE MEN OF AMERICAN APPAREL.

(click for closer look at the man meat)
Earlier this week , I mentioned that Butt magazine was looking for hott boy-toy American Apparel models—and here they are! Look at the AA getting all conceptual again, albeit with an oh-so-tired joke. Welcome to the slutty fold gentlemen! Hey AA? Bring the bare female ass now too! (image via) update: ad is a couple of years old. Way to stay current, Gawker/me.

Eat A Box O' Lard. Play Some Football.


Last night, I dined on "fast" food for the first time in—jeez—a couple of years. I had me one of them there De-luxe Angus third-pounders, and I must say it was pretty tasty (much better than the scuzzy French Spiderman 3™ cheeseburger). And I didn't shit my sweatpants later in my sleep either, no I did not. Didn't even have to take any beano.
Something else I did not do after shoveling this 800-calorie, 50 fat-gram thing down my maw was play football—of the touch, flag, or tackle variety. In fact, I'd say that playing a game of Madden NFL 08 video football would even have been too strenuous of an activity for me to attempt. More accurate box artwork would be: a half-comatose man half-watching a hockey game with a hand half down his pants—I'll gladly recreate my position from last night for your illustrator, McDonald's. previously in McDonald's: a Big Fat Lie of a nutrition ad; Ronald is Dead.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

...the post where copyranter became a lame music blog.

Track List:
Love Revolution
Tight Pants
Tighter Pants
Dark Sunglasses
Darker Sunglasses
My Guitar Is My Penis
Purpler Haze
Foxier Lady
Love Love Love Sex Sex Sex
It's Time For A Love Revolution (In My Tight Pants)

previously in Lenny Kravitz: Absolut Krap. related: Justin Timberlake's new recording ProspectivePussy/FuckMoans. somewhat related: Hendrix Electric Vodka. strongly related: don't like this post? SEND BETTER TIPS (copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com)