Friday, September 28, 2007

Link Haze, 9/28/07.

Good magazine takes an analytical look at the campaign stickers of the six leading candidates for President (link) (thanks for the tip, Steve Cronin)
IHateYoungPeople.com—lots of man/woman/boy/girl on the street videos, mostly debating who's worse: Young People or Old People (link)
This "blogger" dares to bash Pop-Tarts® packaging. THEY ARE FUCKING CRAZY GOOD™, BITCH. (link)
A few commercials of note: All-Bran construction worker—sublime (link); Heinz Baked Beans—will never run in America (link); and GE "Model Coal Miners"—16 tons of big agency bullshit (link) via my BFF BBDO (thanks to Alexa Sutton for the tip).
Ad creatives hate focus groups. Their b-to-b ads give us no reason to change our minds (link)
The creepiest ad icons of all time, according to AdAge readers (link)
downtown Miami has become DWNTWN, MIAMI. How 1998. (link) (thanks Dan Silverman for the tip)
Do you play paintball? If so, and you show up to do battle in one of these, your competitors should then be allowed to use real guns/ammunition/grenades (link)
And pictured (click image): Ben, a co-worker of the archeress, gets freakynasty with his favorite flavor of level vodka babe.
UPDATE: There is now ONE (1) Bacon Wristband left to give away. Got an excellent (and I mean, EXCELLENT) ad tip (preferably a photo or scan)? Email me—copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com—and it's yours. After that, I will mail them all out.

Uh, no it isn't.


(click ad to read copy)
Advertising in the October Wired "Geekipedia" supplement, Dell should know better than to pull such a blatantly bullshit headline out of their asses. The hardware company was recently passed by the superior HP in PC sales. So I guess they're trying to appear more EDGY by throwing "BADASS" into a print ad. It's quite pathetic. You're calling your new XPS model "BADASS" because, why?—it has a nothing special 13.3" display? And the only way "BADASS" could actually become a "technical term" is if it was an acronym for Bitmap Auto Drive Analog Storage System. Or something.
(also, this ad becomes the second winner of the new Pure Horseshit™ Award.)
previously in tech ads:
1. QSOL ad sinks to new low.
2. Bow to your cotton khaki-panted Intel master.
3. 3rd ad of Siemens campaign: Fo Shizzle My Nizzle.
4. Travelers' concept of "computer geek" virtually predates computers.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

copyranter's seminal Pure Horseshit™ Award.


Not to be confused with my Horse's Ass Award. This award will be presented to any advertiser who bends the truth about the benefit/effectiveness of their product further than the generally-accepted normal level of advertising lying.
Going through my archives, Gwynnie Paltrow, enviga, Fiji water, and "5" gum all strongly deserve this award, post-post.
But iDigress. Onto Barclays iShares. If you're going to go down this well-traveled propaganda path, why not just take it further: The Wheel. Fire. Electricity. iShares. Or, further still: God. The Universe. Baby Jesus. iShares.
iIdiots.

Continuing with Ass Month here on copyranter.

(click ad for closer look)
Ken Wheaton, editor of the AdAge Adages blog, sent along this ad for Ché men's magazine, well known for their "let's keep on dreaming of a better world" print/outdoor/POP campaign.
This latest execution is a little cleverer than previous predictable ones because it more directly brings the dream of that unattainable woman just a little closer to reality for the sad mooks who regularly earnestly read Ché, Maxim, and other such lad rags. And, unlike this ass, this ass, or this ass, this ass here actually has something to do with the product being sold.
(image via)
previously in MOOK marketing:
1. eau de ASS.
2. true.com post thread.
3. freakish Anglerfish used to sell Old Spice.
4. Yankee clubhouse soon to smell like whorehouse.

The closest I've ever come to firebombing a store.


I love Halloween. It's your one chance to be a total Dickwad or walking bOOb, unless of course you're already one the other 364 days of the year. That said, I do not love Christmas. To call me a Grinch doesn't even come close to describing how much I despise December 25th. This wonderful photoshopped pic at least gets you in the neighborhood of my hatred. It's an evil, evil day. Here's proof.
I hadn't walked by the old Tower Records location on lower Broadway in quite a while, until this morning at 7:35 am.
It's September Fucking 27th, Toys-R-MotherFucking-Us. Yesterday, it was near 90 degrees. You're lucky I didn't find a stray Molotov cocktail in the streets, otherwise, I swear, I would've, at least, maybe, considered raising the temperature inside your new store to, oh, about 1500 degrees Celsius.
(answer to the question "What is the temperature of fire?" found here!)

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The Diary of a PA to a British Creative Director.

I posted a brief item on this UK blog in the middle of a Link Haze a couple of weeks ago. It is a daily diary by a disgruntled assistant about a useless, drunken creative director. Much of it is imagined fiction, but it seems to be based on an actual man the PA calls ADam. Here's some sample passages from the last month:
The planner just sits and rubs his head like a monkey who has fallen off his tyre swing because he thought he could pick his nose and his hairy arse at the same time.
Arriving late as usual, Adam enters the creative department gasping for air like a puppy dog drowning in a canal. The lift is out. He passes the morning betting his salary on the horses and forwarding a YouTube ad that was sent around a week ago by the rest of the creative community.
His PowerBook precariously perched on his nimble spotted legs, ignoring his ringing phone, he watches his bookmarked German ‘chik mit diks’ media file, whilst he unloads two nutsfull of lukewarm plebspunk into his shaking skeletal fingers. However, this moment is short-lived as his prick bliss is interrupted to the sound of his mother’s voice on the answer machine talking about her varicose vein removal op.
…a package arrives from Honk Kong to which he opens to reveal the most hideous shirt known to man, woman and beast. If you stuck a drinking straw up a frogs anal passage and then inflated until it was a spherical amphibious balloon, then threw it against a nearby garden wall, the remains would resemble this pattern. Plus, not accounting for the obvious size difference between the Far East and Europe, Adam walks around looking like he’s wearing a wetsuit covered in fish guts.
(image via)
previous copyranter-recommended blogs:
The Assimilated Negro.

Trading IS Sex, Baby.


(click image for closer look)
Seriously...EWWWWW!!!!! "WhiskeySweet40" evidently doesn't have Whiskey Dick. Wonder if he's got more options positions than the Kama Sutra master SilverFox11? One thing's a sure bet: I definitely would NOT touch his abacus.
earlier: Monkee Davy Jones shills for Gorilla Trades.
(scanned from yesterday's Investor's Business Daily)

Marty Markowitz Memorial High School?

Brooklyn is getting an advertising high school next year! Yo! Surprisingly, it doesn't seem to have a name yet. Unsurprisingly, I've come up with a few bad ones:
• Blow Me Donny Deutsch High School
• No Sleep Til The Presentation's Done...High
• P.S. # Your Mother's Ass
• Coolee High
• Fugazy High
• Puns & Stock Photos Technical School
Dees suck. But if any of yooze got one, leave it in da comments.
previously in ad school:
1. Real World vs. Ad School.
2. The first ad campaign I ever did.
3. How Bad Do You Want To Be A Hack?
4. School of Visual Arts doth prepare thee well, young apprentice.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #50.

AUTO-FELLATIO THAT'D WOW RON JEREMY
It's Advertising Week in NYC. On Gawker today, I took a quick look at a few of the notably stupider events (link). To read any of the previous 49 Lies Well Disguised, just put those three words up in the search window. addn: this column marks the one-year anniversary of LWD.

the edge of reason.

See, they turned the second "E" around so's you would know they are truly, really, totally, FUCKING EDGY. (update: as commenter daddy-o points out, because of the the minimalistic "D" and "G", the logo reads the same upside down. Like Williamsburg, It's too cool for me. I can't look at it anymore.)
Williamsburg EdgE™ is IT. (Be careful at the Website. Assault by Logo.) It's the condo eyesore that's "sexy on the outside" and beautiful on the inside." The "hippest dress code" and the "coolest zip code," "indie bands" and stone countertops." Plus, you can make fun of the Radically Chic/Chicly Radical poseurs at slightly-more-ugly 20 Bayard.
This is what you've been waiting for, on-the-fence Manhattan dudes and dudettes. Williamsburg has finally become livable.
(scanned from Time Out New York)
previously in I HATE NYC real estate:
1. East Side Story.
2. 80 acres and a mule.
3. Jonathan Swift Realty, Inc.
4. Clearly defining your target audience.
5. Harlem "lodges" beckon curly-haired cutie-pie.

Monday, September 24, 2007

I apologize, Leo Burnett.

I had previously been less than complimentary about a few of Leo Burnett's more recent executions in the long-running and mostly good Altoids print campaign; in particular, I poo-pooed a couple smarty-pants New Yorker executions (1, 2). But now, we have this print ad, right—one of the first I've seen since the account left Burnett earlier this year for Publicis/Hal Riney. Creative responsibilities have since apparently been reassigned to BBDO (4th paragraph). Anyway, I'm not a "journalist" so I don't care which shop did this super-dull chocolate-dipped piece of cliché turd. I just want to formerly apologize to any Leo Burnett creatives who worked on the other above linked executions. A little bit of relativism can change one's mind right quick.

Monkee Davy Jones' career has sunk to Davy Jones Locker level.


(click ads for closer look)
"Then I Saw Their Trades...Now I'm A Believer"
Yes, DJ also shot a couple of videos for Gorilla Trades, singing and a-strumming and absolutely abusing Monkees tunes. I'm sure your three original bandmates are fucking thrilled that you're parodying their work to help sell stock trades.
At daveyjones.net, DJ is also still lobbying for The Monkees to be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. I would think that this whore of an endorsement deal would forever put the kibosh on that. It's one thing for your songs to be used to sell products. It's quite another to get in front of a camera and make a complete Gorilla's ass out of yourself—do you know how many fellow Baby Boomers are going to have panic/puke attacks once they witness this, Davy? I hope you at least made a boatload of cash.
(update: gigglesugar has a clip of Davy Jones when he was on The Brady Bunch. He was such a cutie pie...(sigh)...now I feel guilty...)
(ads scanned from today's Investor's Business Daily)
previously in music & advertising:
1. India.Arie: pop crap or good shit? Discuss.
2. Meet the latest 1-800-OK-CABLE shills.
3. Sanjaya Malakar's ad dopplegänger.
4. Lenny Kravitz. ABSOLUT KRAP.
5. Taylor Hicks for Ford: a review.
6. 50's packin'. Nutrients.

I believe we have a new worldwide leader in the "Most Gratuitous Use Of A Woman's Ass In An Ad" category.


Also, she appears to be wearing a Kabbalah string.
Headline Translation: Actually, we are a serious career forum!
Yes, of course you are. The above subway poster is for a career forum at the Technical University of Munich. So, is it the most blatantly gratuitous use of an ass in an ad ever? I think it's time for an Assvertising vote:
1. Kate Moss's ass used to sell jewelry?
2. American Apparel Lolita's ass crack used to sell Stirrup Socks?
3. true.com using tight-assed shorts to sell "safe" Internet dating?
4. The above ikom.eu subway poster.
As for Most Gratuitous Use Of Breasts In Advertising, Salma Hayek for Campari is clearly leading the Rack pack.
(tip/poster emailed by Daniel Greenwald)

Friday, September 21, 2007

Link Haze, 9/21/07.

Ends up, that Weatherproof Garment ad is tied into the new, dying-to-be-shitcanned ABC show Cavemen. Portfolio explains how. Not explained—why? (link)
Marilyn Manson introduces his own brand of absinthe, Mansinthe. 66.6% alcohol, of course. Not known—if any of Manson's various bodily fluids made it into the final formula. (link)
Why the chicken did not cross the road to drink the Perrier. (link)
My Dad (thanks to asbestosis) is a hanky man. Still, I doubt he'd be interested in these new "high tech" handkerchiefs. (link)
Hummer gets all Green/National Geographic on us. That's rich (link) (thanks to Michael Hastings-Black at Desedo Films for the tip)
Tech writer Michael Patrick Brady seriously breaks down the stack of books shown in those newish Sony eReader ads. (link)
Ads on scuzzy Laundromat washing machines? If on shit-splattered port-o-potties, than why the fuck not? (link)
You know the smug Verizon "Can you hear me now?" Guy, whose teeth I'd like to punch out through the back of his head? Well, douche has an official style book. (link)
And FINALLY, there are still two (2) Bacon Wristbands up for grabs! Send me a great tip, and one can be yours...

LOOK! New NYC Bike Safety Ad Targets Who, Exactly?


(click image to read copy)
That car is so unsafe for bicyclists, what with that deceptive partial bike lane painted on it. OK seriously, the reason, nine out of ten times, why a pedal pusher is drilled in Manhattan? It's because the motor vehicle driver didn't LOOK. But heaven FORBID we target the precious, careless NYC car driver directly. S0 many very influential, very rich, non-subway-taking Manhattanites steadfastly sit behind the wheels of their planet-choking Escalades, Denalis, etc., gunning it through yellowish/red lights all over fucking town all the time. I've personally witnessed two bicyclists get drilled by SUVs speeding through dangerous intersections; one man was seriously injured. But nooo. Instead we get a generic "Can't we all just get along/LOOK" message (nice logo!) with a cutesy visual that means/accomplishes absolutely nothing. A message that—since the ad's placed in a bus shelter with a tiny headline—can/will only be read by passing pedestrians. Brilliant! Bravo, red tape-wrapped NYC government approval process!
(snapped on E. Houston St.)
(campaign via Worldwide House of Hack, Publicis)
Here's the Transportation Alternatives press release.
—RIP, Liz Byrne.
update: as commenter f mckenna points out, the car is shown turning the wrong way onto Lafayette St., which as NYers know, means it could only be a Jersey driver.
previously in NYC "Public" "Service":
2. conEdison. FULL OF IT.
1. NEVER SHAKE A BABY!
3. MTA needs our 16 million eyes.
4. Today's Lesson: The "C" Words.
5. It IS hard for black kids to fit in on the UWS.
6. The comedy of the NYC Office of Emergency Management.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Latest American Apparel model looks an AWFUL lot like Lindsay Dee Lohan, no?



Right down to the nip slip! (click ad)
Could this finally be a...strategy emerging from the unimaginative L.A. clothing empire? Look-A-Likes! Hmm, let's look through the archive. Well, Miss Ass Crack here looks quite a bit like a grown-up Emma Watson—Hermione from the Harry Potter movies. Bring her back for another shoot, and put a witch hat on her! You guys seem to have a major Jones for the Asian girls. So, just find a Lucy Lui dopplegänger. Should be a piece of cake in SoCal. Let's see, who else? Well, I'm not quite sure who she looks like. That orgasm face makes her a tough read. But anyway, you've got the i-dear. Get out there and find yourselves a Britney/Paris/Nicole, AAers. Run with it! It's a concept with legs! No no, you take all the credit!
(ad scanned from the back of this week's Onion, which also features a humorous front-page AA piece.)

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

SUBTEXT: (You Gay Sluts, You!)

McDonald's ad snapped inside the entrance to a bar in Boystown, Chicago, the first "officially recognized" (?) gay village in the United States.
Well well, Mickie D's, you're all grows up, you're all grows up! Now that's a Happy Meal! Want Guys with that? etc. (sorry)
But seriously; there's nothing as strong as post-McDonald's gas. And ripping Big Mac farts during that magical first night encounter is a major turnoff. You can try holding them in, but then you're making goofy faces while clutching your upper groin region—also a big turnoff. You're much better off with an empty stomach, actually.
(snapped by Marah Eakin)
previously in gay marketing:
1. Grab Your Poles!
2. GOD SAVE QUEENS.
3. HOMOMETROSEXUALS™.
4. Bud tells gays OK to be gay.
5. The Gays don't buy their leather at Daffy's.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #49.

CONDOM ADS! NAKED FENCING!
Today on Gawker: after reading an AdAge piece about the unending unwillingness of the networks to air condom ads, I dug up some international contraceptive advertising that will never, ever in a million years be seen in America. (link) Why? Because our church/state dynamic ain't that different from Spain's, circa 1490. To read any of the 48 previous Lies Well Disguised, just type those three words up in the search window.

I think, therefore I am...shitting my pants.


Auguste Rodin must be banging hard on the underside of the lid of his casket in his tomb outside of Paris, where a cast of The Thinker serves as his headstone. His most famous sculpture has been used and abused in ads almost as often as the Statue of Liberty. Even by me! But this particular billboard would really make him hit the absinthe. Rodin only fathered one son, but according to the ever-reliable Wikipedia, had quite the roving eye—especially for Cambodian ballet dancers. Who knows how many little flesh sculptures he created? update: I love that the clock is at high noon.
(photographed by Laura LeBleu on a beautiful byway of East Baltimore. She's a finalist for one of the three remaining Bacon Wristbands. There's still time for you, though.)
previously in local billboards:
1. Kate Moss. As pure as driven snow.
2. Steve Aoki—horse's ass over Manhattan.
3. When Monogamy Becomes Monotony®.
4. I'd want a strong drink if I was getting a vasectomy.
5. 292 Lafayette St. billboards must allow for seventh floor window.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Ashes to Ashes...

(click image to read copy)
Last Tuesday on the anniversary of 9/11, The Khaleej Times, "the No. 1 English language daily paper published in Dubai, United Arab Emirates," ran this full-page, anti-smoking ad. Damn, missed my deadline! I could've added it to the Gawker 9/11 post.
Very interesting—and maybe insensitive!—that a paper from an Arab country would exploit the burning twin towers.
I guess those smoking ex-buildings are full-on fair game now—so what else can they help sell? Maybe Alternative Energy (take that UAE)! Ideas?
(image source. thanks to Bill Green at MTLB for the Bacon Wristband—winning tip! only three left!)

Coat company riding the back hair of GEICO ads.

(click ad to read copy)
At first glance
, I thought this might be a viral ad for Cavemen, the new, and apparently awful, ABC sitcom. No—Weatherproof Garment, a division of David Peyser Sportswear, is a real company, though their website is currently dead. Maybe it's a sneaky tie-in? Available evidence says unh-unh.
So, there's no cleverness here. It's just bald, blatant, shameless appropriation. Bravo?
Geico attorneys get busy!
(scanned from yesterday's New York Times Style magazine.)
previously in unoriginal ideas:
1. Dressing up Lady Liberty.
2. The way $tarbuck$ $ee$ it.
4. The Bank of Opportunistic Stock Photo Use.
5. law firms look to animal kingdom for ad help.

These Days, Showing Ass Crack Is What Passes For "Creativity" In Fashion Ads.

Diesel ads used to be batshit insane. They made no sense, but you always looked forward to the next one. Benetton, makers of mundane nothing-special clothing, nonetheless became a big world brand by beautifully—and sometimes, shockingly—taking on world issues. These days, Kenneth Cole has tried, and failed very badly, to be another Benetton.
No, today, I count exactly zero good fashion campaigns. Even Dolce & Gabbana's rape and violence tripe is trying so very hard to be cool that the ads come off as utterly laughable.
So in lieu of ideas, we get Ass Crack. If we're lucky, we get Celeb Ass Crack. I am an Ass man. So I guess all is not lost.
previously in bad fashion ads:
1. JIMMY CHOO—shoes to die for.
2. What's Italian for TWAT?
3. DEAD is the new BLACK.
4. The Uniqlo Antelope.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Link Haze, 9/14/07.

(Every Friday, one of my posts will be a link dump. Got something interesting [ad related], please email me: copyranter[at]hotmail[dot]com)
Donny Deutsch overheard at the Waverly Inn telling his blonde date, "Let's make out, just make out. I'm a great kisser..." (link) (thanks Jade Riggin for the tip!)
Mannequin advertising is quite competitive. Also, freaks me out. (link)
Across the pond, a disgruntled assistant to an inept creative director has started a diary about his boss "ADam." Reads like fiction. It may be. Either way, worth your time. He is a fucking funny writer. (link)
NASA is looking for a new tagline to replace the current "Explore, Discover, Understand." I'm too busy to write a HaHa replacement. Be my guest. (link)
"...will focus its efforts on transforming prolific thought leadership and vision into cutting-edge, differentiated and prescriptive strategic solutions." AdAge editor Jonah Bloom attempts to interpret what the fuck that buzzword turd means. (link)
Worker #3116 describes Mariah Carey—as she appears in her ads for her new fragrance M—as a "Real Doll floating in a sea of blood." (link)
Finally, for my fellow drummers—DrumPants. I already currently drive my co-workers crazy with my constant drumming on my pants/desk/floor. If I got these... (link)

A sign that New Yorkers are finally moving on.


Were you there? First, warm-up band I am the World Trade Center brought the house down with an absolutely explosive pyrotechnics show. Next the headliners, dressed in full HazMat suits, played a covers set that included I'll Stop The World And Melt With You, We Didn't Start The Fire, and Crumblin' Down. For one night, this night, the terrorists did not win—though intelligence chatter indicates that they may have their next Target picked out. (photo by Evan Lambert)

Thursday, September 13, 2007

BREAKING: New York Times notices that law firms advertise/use images of animals and such.


In today's business section of the New York Times, Karen Donovan writes that corporate law firms are running print ad campaigns that use photos that "do not immediately say 'lawyer'." Hmm. In-ter-rest-ing. You may remember reading about this "new" development somewhere else before and before and before and before. But I'm sure Donovan came up with the story idea on her own. Right, Stuart "Scoop" Elliott?
—————
previously in the
New York Times is behind the times:
1. The Sandinistas of journalism.
2. Tommy Friedman, I think about SEX a lot.
3. Take a trip down Memory Lane (a toll road).
4. Times let's you know just how stupid they think you are.

Win a LIVE GREASY Bacon Wristband, round #2.

Last February, in recognition of the Chinese year of the Pig, I gave away 4 of these HOT COMMODITIES (they're not as easy to find as you might think) to copyranter readers.
To re-celebrate this fucking pig of a year, I am holding another contest in which I will this time give away five (5) Bacon Wristbands. Last time, I simply asked you to tell me why you deserved one of these sizzling suckers. THIS time, it's tougher. I of course accept and publish many reader tips. Well, starting NOW through the next week or two, the readers who submit the best five (5) tips will win their very own LIVE GREASY (my name for it) wristband. The selection process is completely arbitrary, but—you stand a much better chance of winning if your submission is original (for example, a photo you take) as opposed to something from another blog/website.
Two things for you Doofi to remember: 1] write BACON BAND TIP in your email subject lines; 2] if I write you back saying you're a winner, you then MUST provide me with a mailing address THAT WORKS in your reply. Show those "Live Strong" lemmings that FAT—at least in the color of your wristband—is where it's at. That is all. GO!!! (email—copyranter[at]hotmail[dot]com)

Kirshenbaum creatives wrap lips around founders' penises.

(click ad for closer look)
I love it when ad agencies try to advertise themselves—they universally suck suck suck at it.
This ad was scanned from my official guide to Advertising Week NYC 2007, the annual self suck-off where our industry's brightest and whitest see if this is finally the year they're able to take it all in, right down to the hilt.
Here the kb+p drones (who're responsible for one of the worst ads I've ever seen) lovingly slurp their has-been bosses' Design® markers.
(to answer your question...as a matter of fact, no, I don't never want to work in this town ever again.)
previously in ad agencies are chock full o' douchebags:
1. Y&R thanks me for screwing you.
2. ANDYs promoted with anilingus.
3. his salary is about 6 bucks/second.
related on Gawker: BBDO. Neither B stands for Bloated.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

2nd ad of campaign: he's doggystyling a bear.

(click ad to read copy)
JESUS, corporate firms are fucking obsessed with the wild kingdom, ain't they? Meet Michael Platt, CEO and founder of BlueCrest Capital. I don't know the lion's name. The ad is for the the Chicago Mercantile Exchange/Chicago Board of Trade. Blah blah blah, who fucking cares. Back to the photo. I am actually trying very hard right now to visualize the lion biting Platt's head off while simultaneously clawing his balls. Seriously, what fucking arrogance from this pot-bellied, manicured douchebag. He probably screams in fear at cockroaches. "A risk tamed is a reward captured?" Give this pansy a sword and shield, and throw him in the middle of the Coliseum with a few unfed beast kings. Televise it during trading hours (with a streaming ticker), so's we can watch his company's stock plunge as he's mauled to pieces.
(scanned from today's Wall Street Journal)
previously in CEOs:
1. CE-O what a mistake.
2. The Deutsch/Trump 69.
3. Blamer, Fudge do lunch.
4. Michael Golden, CEO, Smith & Wesson.
5. How did Air France become #1 in Europe?

Tom Fords A Valley.


(click ad to look for razor burn)
Tom Ford, noted manscaper, has introduced his first men's cologne with two print ads: one with a bottle between a women's legs (above), and the other with it between breasts. Sooo...the bottle is a penis—how edgy. But then again, maybe gay Tom has performed some tomfoolery with these over-heterosexualized shots. Maybe, the model is a man in the midst of gender reassignment. Now THAT would be awesome. Either way, she/he has no use for Naughty Nads®.
previously in sex in fashion:
1. NoHo Ass.
2. auto repairs by Clint.
3. The G-Star glory hole.
4. DIESEL woos fcuk hoi polloi.
5. Introducing FUCK ME Camels.
6. "The King is so big, smooth, shiny, hard, and black."

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #48.

TWIN TOWERS EXPLOITATION!
On Gawker: too soon to start exploiting the burning twin towers in ads? A French ecological organization doesn't think so (link). To read any of the previous 47 Lies Well Disguised, type those three words up in my search window.

Some closer than others.


Ad (update 1/10/08: it's actually a brochure image) for the World Trade Center, circa 1984. Image via. Original source here.
previously in the WTC:
1. Idiotic WTC Memorial fund ad.
2. 9/11—we only lost a client.
3. Asbestos. When life depends on it.
4. Leelee "e.e." Sobieski's 9/11 poem.

Now apparently, State Street is making fun of the hunting abilities of Zulu Warriors.


(click ad for closer look)
Copy starts: Experience tells us the "ready fire aim" approach to investing is no way to hit your targets. In fact, it's a good way to shoot (or spear) yourself in the foot...
DUDES, you left-brained bozos need some serious help with your metaphors! Last time, your bridge disaster viz went over like a lead balloon. And now this? Tribesmen don't "shoot from the hip." Drawing from my memories of watching National Geographic shows, I believe they throw their spears using a more-powerful over-the-shoulder technique. I'd tell you to consult your lawyers, but they're even more clueless when it comes to using wildlife in advertising.
Tell you what: why don't you give me a shot at your ads. Give me a day, and I'll come back with three animal kingdom campaigns that actually make some fucking sense.
update: commenter papa shongo says these are Maasai warriors.
(scanned from yesterday's Wall Street Journal)

Monday, September 10, 2007

Pretty soon, every one of my posts will be reader tips.

I've told them their advertising sucks. Sucks balls, even. I've called them Fucking Morons. I've told them to go fuck themselves and to"Kram" their ads up their ass. I've even told them to drink my piss. But, I've never threatened to kill a baby. Reader Cate Morrison, a Communications doctoral student, has taken the anger to the next level. She found this Ketel One ad on the back of the August Architectural Digest and, displaying much better handwriting than me, correctly answered their idiotic Jeopardy style question about the distiller's owner. Bravo, Cate.
(also, stay tuned! I've got another round of correspondence with Ketel One coming later this week.)

ZING, moveon.org!


[headline from a full-page ad (see the whole ad here) in today's New York Times from MoveOn.org]
previously in bad puns:
1. Clay Achin'
2. Model Tea.
3. shoe-icide.
4. FREE RANGE CHECKIN'
5. Have you cleaned your "ducts" lately?

One of our finest thespians delivers his best performance.

(click image to closer examine Bobbie's near smile)
Other headlines considered for De Niro's outdoor banner, part of Mayor Bloomberg's new tourist-friendly "Just Ask The Locals" advertising campaign:
• "I think someone should just take this city and just... just flush it down the fuckin' toilet."
• "...if you come back here - we catch either one of you - we're gonna break your fuckin' heads and you won't walk out of here. You see that fuckin' saw? We're gonna use it."
• "Now you will learn about loss! Loss of freedom! Loss of humanity! Now you and I will truly be the same..."
• "Your mommy's not happy... your daddy's not happy, and you know what? You're not happy."
• "I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss... I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss."
• I'll fuck you right where you breathe, because I don't give two shits about you or nobody else."
(hanging on 8th Ave., between 18th & 19th St. sorry, it was twilight)
previously in celebs in ads:
1. more GAP celebrity pap.
2. Gwynnie Paltrow is African.
3. What's next, Burt? Burt's Bees?
4. Working with JK Simmons and Dennis Miller.
5. Can't spell "anthropomorphism" without "Mohr."

Friday, September 07, 2007

Link Haze, 9/07/07.

(Every Friday, one of my posts will be a link dump. Got something interesting [ad related], please email me: copyranter[at]hotmail[dot]com)
Speaking of Global Warming ads, this billboard makes perfect use of apartment A/C units (link)
The saddest fruit beverage advert/old man in a wheel chair juxtaposition I've ever seen (link)
A $150,000 turntable (link)
Remember the special moment in corporate douchery history when that Bank of America manager performed his version of U2's "One?" My friend Cajun Boy In The City met him and confronted him about the song. He was none too pleased! (link)
The sassy girls from Gawker media site Jezebel.com came up with the idea of giving out barf bag gift bags to industry types in front of the Fashion Week tents in Bryant Park (link)+(link)
Trump Ice bottled water promoted by...Harry Potter. "You can taste The Donald." (link) related: bad taglines for Trump Super Premium Vodka.
Posters for an anti-fungal foot cream featuring Feces Trainers (pictured, click it, they're disgusting), Rat Slippers, and Fish Flip-Flops (link)

It's Friday. Why don't you masturbate?


(click image. unzip.)
It's the latest unimaginative American Apparel soft porn ad featuring another probably underage girl. For the record, the ad is for AA's new "Chain-Link Thigh-High Socks." Also, for the record, I give up. You win Dov Charney. I've tried hard (heh) to find some sort of relevant sociological angle in your endless string of pervy advertisements. But, no dice—I'm tired and my head is throbbing (heh).
So instead of half-baked analysis, I'm offering up this post strictly as a public service to horny readers. Go ahead. Stare at her ass. Rub one out. You're welcome. If she doesn't do it for you, Here's seven more exploited girls from Charney's stable (don't read the posts, just click on the pics):
Tight Ass in Tights; Chesty Brunette Masturbates; Barely-Covered Nipples; Asian Cameltoe; Tight Asian in Tights; No Panties/Ass Crack; Hiking Boots and Thong.
Oh, and for you Homo men and Hetero women, go here and here.
(scanned from this week's The L magazine)

Thursday, September 06, 2007

For once, the LOGO isn't the biggest thing in a bank ad.

(click ad to read copy)
AKbank is Turkey's largest private sector bank, with 689 branches and 12,333 (such an exact number) employees nationwide. I gotta admit, the idea here perplexed me for a few minutes, which was actually a pleasing experience given all the absolutely boring expected visuals throughout finance advertising. As far I know, the Biggest Fucking Stick of Cotton Candy Ever doesn't have some different, nuanced meaning to Turks. But then, I read the small subhead: "Not to mention the most customer-oriented."
A-HA! I think the visual is referring to the old cliche of American banks giving out little lollipops to their customers. The idea's there, but it's so completely muddled by the execution. And, why didn't they use a big lollipop? Well, at least they didn't use an ugly 50-foot tall logo.
(scanned from October's Bloomberg Markets)
previously in funny bank ads:
1. John Dowd. Banker. Founding Father.
2. I, uh, don't get it HSBC Bank. Seriously.
3. What the marketing director of Chase jerks off to every morning.
4. King Kong doesn't have a firm understanding of the Gramm-Leach-Bliley act.