Link Haze, 8/31/07.

(From now on, one of my Friday posts will be a link dump. Got something interesting [ad related], email me: copyranter[at]hotmail[dot]com)
• Old, but Bush Buttplug Wars (link).
• Hey, are you guys aware of this trend—Worldwide Balminess (link)?
• And why doesn't World Citizen Starbucks offer free internet? (link)
• Fellow ad blogger David Wilkie is forever asking where's my jetpack? Here it is, Captain Impatience (link).
• The AYDS Diet—"Why take diet pills when you can enjoy AYDS?" (link) [thanks Kelly Walsh for the tip!]
• We're gonna run out of oil in a hundred years or so, but at least we now have a toothbrush with fucking "satnav" technology. Christ. (link)
• The burning man at Burning Man was burning, man, five days early (heh) (link).

Bowlmor. Brainless.

(click ad to see better)
Bowlmor, NYC's ironic rolling venue (Leisure Time's lanes are in much better shape, if you actually care about the bowling) continues with its rings-loudly-false "you see the world in a whole new way" campaign (it's bowling fer chrissakes, not a near-death experience). First, it was tits=bowling balls (Model's rib balloons weren't big enough. They should've consulted some Russ Meyer films.). Next, fetus=bowling ball. Now, apparently finished with exploiting female anatomy, they've adroitly piggybacked onto that NYU co-ed trend that was hot for about five minutes in 2002—the Hookah lounge.
(scanned from New York mag)
previously in Bad NYC:
1. Four fashionable faces of Williamsburg.
2. I-banking boot camp.
3. Trans fat war turns childish.
4. The MTA. Very Anal.
5. SHTICKBALL.

(Bank of America ad for personalized MLB checks)

It says: "I throw batteries/bottles/etc. at opposing teams' outfielders during playoff games even when my beloved $200 million team is WINNING (I witnessed it, en masse, twice) and I have the sense of humor of mouse diarrhea and I would blow herpes-dicked Derek Jeter, no questions asked and I call Mets fans "trash" even though half of Yankee Stadium crowds are Wall Street douchebags and the other half are numb & dumb B&T suburban fat guts and I don't understand it when comedians (apologies, Doug Stanhope) make fun of me by comparing my rooting for the Yankees to rooting for the dealers at casinos...
previously in Yankee Fans are a Bunch of Mouth-Breathing Mooks:
1. Bleacher Creature cuff links.
2. Derek Jeter's "Driven."
3. Is IT In YOU?
4. Urnie Banks?

Campari's New Superliminal Print Ad Campaign.

Eschewing the standard subliminal liquor ad practice of retouching sexy images into ice cubes, Campari has pulled all of the print ads from its latest campaign featuring Salma Hayek and re-art directed them (above) to directly and unquestionably focus on the two reasons they hired Hayek in the first place.
"We bought out the pics from the Hayek shoot, so we can use them however we please," said new Campari CEO Bob Kunze-Concewitz. "Our U.S. sales have risen this year, but the weak dollar is killing is," continued Kunze-Concewitz. "We think this new 100% honest marketing approach will really firm up sagging revenue."
Neither Hayek nor her publicist could be reached for comment.
previously in SEX in advertising:
1. Floors so clean you can eat [your wife] off of them!
2. Dis is how they do subliminal advertising in Queens.
3. Everything you need to get the [blow] job done.
4. You've Cum A Long Way, Baby.
5. Actually, it's a Raging Chubb.
6. American Apparel post thread.

Lies Well Disguised, #46.

This morning on Gawker, I posted a stunningly beautiful UK anti-gun spot (link). But does it deter gunplay or encourage it? To read any of the previous 45 Lies Well Disguised, type those three words up in the search window.

DIESEL resorts to prosaically making fun of IKEA.

Oh edgy Diesel, what the Hell has happened to your advertising? I remember fondly the days when your ads either happily made no fucking sense or at least were on the sick side. Then, you had angels give me the finger (zzz), which you followed up with a tired global warming campaign. Now, with these "Human after all" executions, you've created some nice futuristic sets—but to what effect? I know you can do better, Diesel...STOP BORING ME! You're fashion advertising's only hope! (scanned from BlackBook magazine)
previously in bad fashion ads:
1. Jimmy Choo. Shoes to die for.
2. Sailing with Hickey-Freeman's Carson & Justin.
3. What's Italian for TWAT?
4. DEAD is the new BLACK.
5. The Uniqlo antelope.

Well, at least the studio didn't plaster her ass on the posters.

"Sometimes Love Blows."
That's the main tagline of Good Luck Chuck (not "There's something funny about Dane," as is listed on IMDb). Combine the tagline with the visual in the web ad, right and, well, welcome to Movie Marketing 101, Jessica darlin'! (here's a previous example of dripping ice cream cone symbolism)
previously in Movie Marketing:
1. Saw III: where a good idea becomes a bad cliche.
2. "On the 1st Evil Day of X-Mas...
3. The Spider-Man 3™ cheeseburger.
4. TimeWarner "diversity" ad.

(beep) "Hello, this is all-star shortstop Derek Jeter...

(It's Jessica Alba day here on copyranter...)
"...and if you happen to be one of the model-slash-actresses I've slept with over the last 10 years, I'd just like to tell you that you might have herpes. Have a nice day and, Let's Go Yankees! clap clap clap-clap-clap"...(beep)
(1st frame of an XM Satellite Radio web flash ad)
previously in I hate the fucking Yankees:
1. Bleacher Creature cuff-links.
2. Alex, put your big pants on!
3. Yankee clubhouse smells like whorehouse.
4. Is IT In YOU?

Irrefutable video evidence that The Assimilated Negro ain't yet completely assimilated.

Earlier this year, during an official "Boys Night Out" (here's an action pic), five young gentlemen (well four plus me) decided that a meal was desperately needed before the binge imbibing was to resume. As any downtown NYC denizen knows, the Popeye's at 13th and 1st is a welcome pitstop on such occasions. One of the members of our "crew" was none other than The Assimilated Negro.
"TAN" as his customized polo shirts read, is a superb writer who has undeniably inserted himself into the white publishing world with verve and alacrity. However, as this 1 minute, 24 second short film shows, he is still brought to tears by fried chicken.
previously in black people:
1. UPDATE: best political slogan ever—Charles Taylor edition.
2. It IS hard for black kids to fit in on the UWS.
3. AdAge's White Christmas.
4. Diversity has a Mascot.
5. Hip. Without The Hop.
6. Nice Package!

Link Haze, 8/24/07.

(Until Labor Day, one of my Friday posts will be a link dump. Got something interesting [ad related], email me: copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com)
• Mountain Dew—"It'll tickle your innards!" Vintage spot from 1966 (link).
• Remember that pathetic corporate anthem for Symantec (See tha solution!)? Well here's an even more pathetic-er one for a lawyers (link).
• Wrestling with how to sell stretchy men's underwear (link).
• Pantone tea and coffee mugs (link).
• Farty Pants (link).
• Advertising on thermostats. Never happen? Yeah, who could imagine something as stupid as that; or as stupid as advertising on smelly port-o-pottys? (link).
• Matt Lynch, creative director at feed-london, tipped me about an English energy company, npower, buying a constellation "visible above the UK on a clear Summer night," and naming it...npower. And on that same night, if you look closely at constellation npower, you'll see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse approaching Earth's atmosphere (link).

Some stylist, somewhere, thought this was representative of a "lucky" shirt.

(click ad to closely examine/analyze the illustrations/markings on Ace's shirt)
previously in men's fashion:
1. Increase your carbon cockprint.
2. Cole loses another battle in War on Words.
3. What's Italian for TWAT?
4. Most douche ever splattered on a polo shirt.
5. Jigga gettin' "A River Runs Through It".
6. A small price to pay for a big package.

More GAP celebrity pap.

(click image to bask in the overwhelming celebritiness)
Madonna. Sarah Jessica Parker (SEX AND THE CITY!!!). Dancing dead Audrey Hepburn. Celebs wearing RED. Celebs. Celebs. Celebs. Sales drops. Sales drops. Sales drops. GAP's sales have dropped 12 consecutive quarters. And for 12+ consecutive quarters, The GAP has exclusively dropped celebrity-driven ads on the not-buying public. All created by the same New York ad agency Laird+Partners (fyi: Trey Laird once almost froze to death on a GAP iceberg photo shoot.) Hmmmmm. So with all this staring new chief executive Glenn Murphy in the face, what does he do? Roll out more Celebs!!! Fucking GENIUS! Anybody looking for prime retail space? Start staking out GAP locations.
previously in celebs in ads:
1. What's next, Burt? Burt's Bees?
2. Right Gwynnie. And I'm Martian.
3. The "Mohr" in anthropomorphism.
4. I've worked with Dennis Miller/JK Simmons.

Deutsche Bank. A Passion to Perform...oral sex on our Logo.

Ja, lieben wir unser Firmenzeichen. All banks luv their logos. Chase sprays cum drop logos all over the NY metro area. Bank of America usurps Old Glory. The Bank of New York's evokes an oh so pretty kaleidoscope. But no bank has the hots for their own logo like Deutsche—they have BIG ORGY LUST for their geometric erect dick in a box (thank you commenter oldmetalmonster!). Above is a Deutsche Bank recruitment ad scanned from the latest Jungle magazine. Sure the copy says the usual blah blah ambition blah blah achievement. But the real message of the ad is: You wanna join the Deutsche team? Then you gotta get busy with our logo.
previously in bank ads:
1. Dude chill. It's a CD, not the Fountain of Youth.
2. The Bank of Opportunistic Stock Photo Use.
3. King Kong doesn't have a firm understanding of the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act.
4. Free Range Checkin'! CUTE!
5. I, uh, don't get it, HSBC Bank. Seriously, I don't.

Has Memorial Sloan-Kettering finally discontinued its specious fake testimonials?

(click ads for closer look)
As I wrote last September, the woman above left looked pretty damn healthy for a cancer patient. That's because the cute redhead was one of several glowing-faced non-patient/models used surreptitiously by Sloan-Kettering to represent theoretical cancer cases as part of a new, ubiquitous New York City print campaign.
Well this month, the cancer center finally inserted an actual real patient into the mix, above right. She's "Joyce," and you can read her story at MSKfirst.org/joyce. However, they're still using the models on the homepage. Just keep hitting Refresh to cycle through the fake patients. FYI: medical facilities usually put a disclaimer [such as: "model used for illustrative purposes only"] in fake patient ads.
(Fakery in adland is Standard Operational Procedure. There's fake lawyers, fake hot internet daters, fake chairmen of the board, fake Skoal brothers, fake office workers, and fake 13-year-old drunks.)
on Gawker:
The Fake Testimonial.

Well, at least they made fun of golf.

(click to better read copy)
Above is "Steve" (not "Mike?"), the new spokesdude for Mike's Hard Lemonade. The dude with the "refreshing school of thought." The dude who gives you all the "easy answers to life's hard questions." Go to the mikesology site if you must, and watch 14 amazingly unfunny videos, each one lamer than the last. I'm frankly flummoxed why the concept/writing is so fucking pedestrian. Oh wait, a google search reveals that the agency responsible is WeAreGigantic, a new shop started by two former bosses from the now defunct unofficial NYC House of Hack, Margeotes Fertitta Powell. Explains everything. Well like I said, at least they made fun of golf, WHICH IS NOT A SPORT.
(subway station ad snapped by the archeress)
previously in liquor:
1. I'd want a strong drink if I was getting a vasectomy.
2. The drunken conversation is waiting.
3. Captain Morgan Tattoo?
4. Racks of Booze.
previously in golf:
1. Playing with God's balls.

Lies Well Disguised, #45.

Today on Gawker, I took a slightly more in-depth look (link) at a new women's cigarette campaign I've already posted on twice. To read any of the previous 44 Lies Well Disguised columns, just type those three words up in my search window.

Cheerleader Mom cheers on about 20 hot phallic symbols.

"WHEN CONVERSATION'S GOING SOUTH, JUST POP A SMOKIE IN YOUR MOUTH!"
Uh, OK. Go to the Hillshire Farm website, and the above holler is just one of the stupid cheers you'll hear when you move your mouse over the meaty items on the picnic table. Once there, you can also watch six, well, enthusiastic TV spots. GO MEAT!!!
(thanks Christy Kilgore-Hadley for the tip!)
previously in Meat:
1. America will not feel like chicken tonight.
2. The Spider-Man 3™ cheeseburger.
3. Supermodels for Trans Fat.
4. LIVE GREASY.
5. film at 11.

Sperm Donor: America's Finest Part-Time Job?

(click image to read copy. poster on Lafayette, right next to Puck Fair)
At first, I thought this had to be a viral ad, maybe for stupid Axe. But no—Cryos International on Maiden Lane in Manhattan seems to be an actual sperm bank. And while size doesn't matter to them, you will have to pass a "rigorous" battery of physical, genetic, and mental tests. But, they pay 100 bucks per deposit! I do question the placement of this poster though—right outside a heavy drinking bar like Puck Fair. Cryos is likely to get a lot of Barney Gumbell types.
UPDATE: The "sperm bank manager" (he's hands-on. heh.) has commented on the post.
previously in NYC street posters:
1. The Grand Ba Ba, Ascended Master of Cleaning.
2. It IS hard for black kids to fit in on the UWS.
3. HOO-AH!!! I-banking boot camp.
4. The Trans Fat War Turns Childish.
5. Crystal Meth users—here comes Hurricane Tina!
6. Ad Council PSA confuses wasted NYU students.

Laughably apropos endorsement opportunity staring Barry Bonds right in the face.

(photo taken by Drew Breunig directly outside San Francisco's AT&T Park, Bonds's home field)
If the new Homerun King™* had a scintilla of a sense of humor (which he doesn't), he'd have his agent give RockStar a call offering the superstar's services to promote their new "Juiced" energy drink. A possible TV spot could be:
(background music ,Chingy's "Juice")—Bonds in locker room, pre-game. Grabs an oversized syringe. Fills it with RockStar Juiced. Smiles at camera. Shoots it into mouth. Takes batting practice. Hits ball after ball into McCovey Cove...
previously in sports marketing:
1. Edge. Dull.
2. Reebok running shoes help prevent puking?
3. Johnnie Walker: official sports drink of the Yankees.
4. Urnie Banks?

HA HA HA HA! AHHH HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!

We are getting the fuck out of this FuckHole ShitStorm of an AssSmell City for a week. I will be back here Monday August 20th a little more rested, a little less pissed off.
Fuck you, Douchebags!
previously in vacation:
1. copier-ranter.
2. what I saw at Burning Man.
3. I recommend the White Widow.
4. Rats on a Dog (Vienna pic #1).

Link Haze, 8/10/07.

(Until Labor Day, one of my Friday posts will be a link dump. Got something interesting [ad related], email me: copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com)
• Via Japan: Eat two F-cup cookies a day. Get bigger breasts. (link)
• Ken Wheaton and editor Jonah Bloom from AdAge attempt to destroy an "indestructible" print ad for the movie Condemned, placed in Maxim. Bloom cheats by using his teeth. Wanker. (link)
• Dave Prager, a NYC copywriter currently working in New Delhi, sends a tagline that, phonetically at least, is cool. (link)
• Jetpacks shares our (me and the archeress) love of Airstreams. (link)
• This guy is eating SPAM every meal for 30 days. BUT, not solely SPAM, which would've really impressed/repulsed me. (link)

When Monogamy Becomes Monotony®

The City of Fucking Angels. According to LA Observed, this billboard for ashleymadison.com—a dating service for cheating marrieds—is now up at La Cienaga & San Vicente. If I was God or Zeus or Xenu or a pissed-off Alien, and I wanted to obliterate America, I'd probably start with ad-choked Times Square. But intelligence- and integrity-challenged Los Angeles would most certainly be my second stop. After that, D.C. Then, Hoboken. Next, I don't know...maybe Silicon Valley. After that, I'd reach down and grab Jason Binn by his pudgy head and hurl him into the Sun.
(thanks to Lisa Hall for the tip)

Chances are, they'd blow up the planet solely because of these ads.

previously in the worst alcohol advertising in the history of advertising:
1. How many words can you make from "Ketel One Vodka"?
2. Not everyone hates Ketel One ads...
3. "famous Dutch shrinks" returns zero Google matches.
4. My correspondence with Ketel One continues...
5. You don't have a mouth Ketel One phone kiosk...
6. A subliminal ad from Ketel One.
7. an unsigned letter from a distillery in Holland.

Holiday Inn TV spots? Funny. Effective? Who knows.

If you haven't seen the new(ish) TV spots for Holiday Inn featuring the three traveling business guys, including the freakshow pictured at right (anybody know the actor's name?), I've collected three of them here for your enjoyment. Campaign via Fallon. Pillows is my favorite.
(update: Jerry Lambert is the actor. thanks anon.)
• "Take It On The Run."
• Humpback Whale.
• Pillows.
previously in stuff I like:
1. copyranter's pick for 2007 Emmy.
2. Snickers Halloween ad.
3. Iggy Pop for John Varvatos.
4. T-Mobile overcaffeinated cheerleader.

Travelers protects lawyers from Kathy Hiltons?

(click ad to read copy)
I am not a lawyer, and know little about lawyering (except that one of their derogatory nicknames is "crows," which is quite harsh. the fake lawyer here looks a bit crowish, though.).
Anyway, I was hoping to get a counselor or two to tell me in the comments if this ad is effective to them.
The photo of Paris's mom holding Tinkerbell IV stopped me while paging through the magazine. But then, the copy left me wanting—it seems like Travelers isn't very comfortable in the "law space." The ad states that they have "lawyers who specialize in defending other lawyers." Wouldn't most medium+ firms already have such people on staff? I'm just curious—not looking to sue anybody specifically. update: Well except maybe Bill Bernbach (his estate) et al, for making it seem like advertising would be a "fun" field to work in.
(scanned from the August ABA Journal)
previously in law ads:
1. What, no sharks or leeches?
2. Law Firm issued Nitwit Writ.
3. Law firm puts potential client behind bars in ad.
4. One law firm says 'Zebras Bad.' Another, 'Zebras Good.'
related: Travelers' dated perception of computer geek.

no wonder he's smiling.

(poster in a mall in Indianapolis, emailed by Stephen Nowak)
also: SUCK OFF AN ENERGY HIPPO...BEAT OFF AN ENERGY DOG...CHOKE AN ENERGY CHICKEN...SPANK AN ENERGY MONKEY...um...JERK OFF AN ENERGY HORSE...STROKE AN ENERGY SNAKE...uh...
(the children's games at the website are sooo laaaaaame...)
previously in bad ad headlines:
1. DEATH=DEACTIVATING LIFE.
2. No, you're a bad ad trapped in phone kiosk.
3. O' Stupid Billboard, O' Stupid Billboard...
4. What's Italian for TWAT?
5. 'EXPLOSION'—the one word you don't want to read at an airport.

Lies Well Disguised, #44.

Today on Gawker, I posted a commercial wherein a woman shits herself (link). To read any of the previous 43 Lies Well Disguised, type those three words up in my search window.

AccuQuote. Get Buying Before You Start Dying.

You may remember the earnest response last time Daddy was confronted by his progeny about his utter lack of responsibility vis-a-vis life insurance. Let's listen to what the Father of Tiger here had to say:
I can't believe it either, little Tiger! (Yes, the boy's actual name is Tiger. He is named after Tiger Woods. He is wearing an official Tiger Woods red Nike polo shirt that Daddy makes him wear every time they go golfing together.) You know what else I can't believe, sport? How bad you suck at golf! Jesus Christ, I bought you customized Pings, got you the best instructor, and you've never even parred one fucking hole! What did you say?!? I don't want to hear it Big Ears—I don't like working as a banker, but you don't hear me complaining, do you Mr. Whiny? Now get out back, and hit another wheelbarrow of plastic balls! Shit, I shouldn't have to be worrying about god damn life in-fucking-surance!
previously in insipid Internet banner ads:
1. HEY PAL, DOES YOUR DICK SUCK?
2. "Can you hear me saying 'FUCK YOU' Now?"
3. Gawker banner ad: Pot? Kettle. Kettle? Pot.
4. true.com Internet ad thread.

Tech ad sinks to new low.

Jay Boucher forwarded this ad posted yesterday on Feministing. It appeared in the August issue of Linux Journal. I've really got nothing to add to what Cara had to say about it, other than—here's the qsol website. Go give them your feedback
update: as highjive points out in the comments, their logo now looks, um, obscene, too.
previously in exploitation:
1 Iwo Jima icon exploited.
2. Exploiting patriotic icons.
3. You've cum a long way, baby.
4. Naples Lumber's blow job ad.
5. Campari. Racks of Booze.
6. The true.com thread.

The Penis Patch™. You'll Be Tight In Any Hatch!

copyranter's Spam Copywriting Hall of Fame inductee #1—The bottom line of copy above. Sure, it's a bit awkward, but an A for effort! And when you combine the Penis Patch™ with your girlfriend's new Labiaplasty, it's barrelfuls of blissful bedtime boinking!
(look at that penis?!? illustrated by a junior high art student.)
previously in sex ads:
1. "Floors so clean you can eat [your wife] off of them!"
2. $10 Buck Phone Sex.
3. Village Voice Sex Ad (VEXYs) Awards.
4. I wanna be a SheMale Escort Ad copywriter.
5. Everything you need to get the [blow] job done.

Introducing F*CK ME Camels.

Oh you EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL tobacco companies!
Ladies, you haven't really come a long way, uh, baby. Smoking longer cigarettes used to be about asserting your independence. Today, apparently, it's about letting men know you're ready for sex. Push me over and fuck me, tough guy. Yeah, I keep my pumps on and my cig lit, over here on the nightstand. And you better last at least as long as it takes one of my new Camel No. 9 100's to burn down to the filter. Shove it in Studs Mackenzie. And let's get this late night Cinemax episode started. I'm burning for it...
(scanned from the Fashion Rocks supplement to the September Vanity Fair)

Today, in August publication ad images not likely to be used in September issues...

(scanned from the August 1st CIO magazine)
previously in oops ads:
1. Embassy Suites ad inadvertently poignant.
2. Bow to your cotton khaki-panted Master.
3. conEd: of course New York is cool.
4. Right Gwynnie. And I'm Martian.
5. WTC Memorial "where were you when it happened?" ad.

SJP. Girlie. Edgy.

(let's go inside the head of Sarah Jessica Parker, as she holds a marketing meeting with herself about her new fragrance, Covet)
'So, like, SEX AND THE CITY! I already have the girlie girl market gift-wrapped. Plus, SEX AND THE CITY! all those smart sexy single city girls who are either like me SEX AND THE CITY! or want to be like me will covet SEX AND THE CITY! Covet. But...what about the edgy girls? SEX AND THE CITY! You know, the one's who have tattoos and stuff and work for a living? Hmmm...SEX AND THE CITY! I know! SEX AND THE CITY! let's do a shoot in a jail SEX AND THE CITY! with a couple of edgy but ugly maybe trannies SEX AND THE CITY! and I'll have on a dressy dress SEX AND THE CITY! and girlie gloves! SEX AND THE CITY!
Tagline for campaign: "I Had To Have It."
(scanned from today's AM New York)
update: via an anon commenter, here's an edgy TV spot from the campaign in which SJP gets arrested for stealing some Covet (zzz).
previously in marketing to women:
1. Pink NHL jerseys.
2. Ko the Krazy Kotex ikon.
3. You've Cum A Long Way, Baby.
4. Butch Cassidy sez: bang your husband, eat your greens.
5. Camel No. 9: well, at least they didn't call them No. 5.

Link Haze, 8/03/07.

(Until Labor Day, one of my Friday posts will be a link dump. Got something interesting [ad related], email me: copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com)
• Bronze sculpture of a stallion with a human penis built to help promote the Yar Hotel in the Russian town of Voronezh. (link)
• Jerry Ringlien, the man who created the "My Baloney Has A First Name" Oscar Meyer jingle, died of a heart attack this week. (link) Remember when Homer sang it?
• Could somebody please explain what the fuck a "Hondamentalist" is? (link)
• The importance of line breaks: "Ass Beers." Yummy. (link)
• Old-Timey condom ad (link)
• Bad animal metaphors not only used by stupid law firms. Also used to sell washing machines. (link)
• The new Subaru Tribeca—an "irredeemably gruesome" rolling vagina. (link)

School of Visual Arts doth prepare thee well, young apprentice.

(click ad for closer view)
Become a Knight in your spare time. Another one of the latest bitchin' batch of ads from my alma mater. Yes, a shiny new degree for ye in Blacksmithing—ye will smite the real world, smithys! Think of all the career possibilities: knight; sculptor; horse shoe-er (farrier!); fancy security gate-maker to the stars; independent suits-of-armor maker/distributor for our brave boys and girls in Iraq; uh; well; um;...
(today it's all about Old School!)
(scanned from this week's Village Voice)
previously in education:
1. Real World vs. Art School. 2. today, I am a CEO. 3. Today's lesson: The "C" words. 4. there's pee in your butt. 5. this public service message brought to you by the Perfect Celebrity Mothers of Park Slope (PCMPS). 6. it IS hard for black kids to fit in on the UWS. 7. Ad Council PSA confuses wasted NYU students. 8. Crystal Meth users—here's yet another cool name for your favorite drug!

Scottrade. Powered by abacuses...

...or "abaci," both are correct.
"The online brokerage with America's largest branch network"—meet one of their hotshot brokers, Scott, pictured here calculating how many days are left in this quarter.
copyranter is a Scottrade customer—this morning, I received some fresh, hot tips from my ST broker, via Pony Express. Sorry, I can't divulge too much info, but let's just say BlueStar likes IBM floppy disks (don't tell SilverFox11!).
(scanned from today's Wall Street Journal)
previously in financial ads:
1. Co-Chairmen of the Board.
2. ...and THAT'S why they call him SilverFox11.
3. I wrote a post for you, and it's called "Yellow."
4. Why King Kong would never make a good banker.

Can't post. Busy.

Working on a pitch for a new champagne. Top secret, etc. Go away.
previously in copyranter is busy:
1. Barney Beaver says 'hello'
2. Just Add Vinegar.
3. Stupid Post.
4. expensive llama costumes.

Viva Viagra! Long Live My Erection!

The Whiskey Dicks! Every Saturday, they get together, pop a blue pill, and jam (ewww!). If you haven't seen this new spot for Viagra be prepared to run screaming from whatever room you're currently in. If indeed Elvis lives, upon viewing this performance, he will bash his face repeatedly with a blue suede shoe until comatose. (tip from Ben Mall)
previously:
1. HEY PAL, DOES YOUR DICK SUCK?
2. ...actually it's a Raging Chubb.