Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #43.

Today on Gawker, I re-posted the Intel ad from yesterday, and gave it a more thorough, and yet still half-ass, copyranter analysis. Also, the commenters blurbs are worth a scan (link). To read any of the previous Lies Well Disguised columns, just type those three words up in my search window.

copyranter's pick for 2007 ad Emmy.

First off, let me make this point very clear: ads have absolutely no fucking business being nominated for Emmys. This kind of horseshit just further fuels the morons in this industry who think they are "artists."
Anyway, my pick out of the nominees is this Cingular spot. It's not the most "creative" of the spots—the Coke "Happiness Factory" gets that nod from me. But if you can't do a creative commercial for a soda, you need to be in another line of work. Cell phone spots, however, are tough, and almost universally suck ass. But this one stands out as actually being original. BTW, it's by those bloated fucks at BBDO. And speaking of not being able to do a creative spot for a soda, the nominated Pepsi spot, also by BBDO, just absolutely blows.
previously in ads I like:
1. Snickers Halloween ad.
2. Old Spice freakish Anglerfish ad.
3. Iggy Pop for John Varvatos.
4. over-caffeinated cheerleader for T-Mobile.
5. Peter Stomare for VW.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Send me good tips, or I will stab these kittens & puppies.




Don't get me wrong. You people are doing a decent job—better and better each week. Your tips now account for about a third of my posts. But I would like to see that fraction pushed up to at least a half. So keep 'em coming, or I will grab a Henckels. You already know my position on babies.
update: yes, this used to be a row of babies. But, as was pointed out to me by a very influential person in my life, that was a little dark, even for me.
update #2: OK, after consulting my trusted advisor once more, I have found a happy medium between babies and stuffed animals. Also, I will not be posting today (Tuesday) until I get a good tip.
(my lame, half-hearted homage to National Lampoon.)
previously in reader-generated content:
1. tips are always appreciated.
2. google image search: commenter.
3. Someone Talked, round 1.
4. what a DICKWAD.
5. we are all bOObs.

Bow to your cotton khaki-panted Master.

(click ad to read)
The cubicle slave farm? Amy found this Intel ad at penciledn.com—and I, for one, am outraged at the tech company for implying that, without their Core™2 Duo Processor, I am a slow white man (even if it is true). Fellow Crackers? I am calling for a boycott of all Intel products. Join me, in this noble fight against reverse racism!
ad agency: those Liars at McCann.
crn picked up on the ad.
previously in race in advertising:
1. Nice package!
2. R&R, minus R&B.
3. Diversity has a mascot.
4. TimeWarner hires white killers, white freaks...
5. AdAge's White Christmas.

The Grand Ba Ba, the Ascended Master of Cleaning.


(spied by the archeress on 185th and Ft. Washington Ave.)
previously in NYC street ads:
1. HOO-AH!!! i-banking boot camp.
2. The TriBeCa Horror Film Festival.
3. Punk Rock Guitar Whines of Whiny UWS Punks.
4. It IS hard for black kids to fit in on the UWS.
5. The Trans Fat War Turns Childish.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Link Haze, 7/27/07.

(Until Labor Day, one of my Friday posts will be a link dump. Got something interesting [ad related], email me: copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com)
Highly reliable news source Pravda (Truth!) claims that another human civilization may be living inside Earth's core. Morlocks? (link)
An Israeli toy company apparently adopts 9/11 imagery (right) to sell model planes. Cute! (link)
Orville Deadenbacher now also dead. Good. (link)
Are you hard-wired to God? it's a fishy Christian-approved electrical contractor ad. (link)
Finally, the 100 worst places to die, via Radar. You'll find a couple that'll make you cringe. (link)

Thursday, July 26, 2007

C'mon C'mon...SEE IT SEE IT. C'mon C'mon...SEE Tha Solution!

Symantec is in da HOUSE! Is there anything more absolutely positively pathetic than corporate anthems? I say nay. Remember the Bank of America ode to U2? Well, the spunky Jocelyn McCanles (whose Dad read her Dostoyevsky's Notes From The Underground at the dinner table when she was growing up) has unearthed three more gems, including this Symantec re-imagining of Marky-Mark + The Funky Bunch's Good Vibrations. SEE IT SEE IT!!! It's probably the stupidest thing I've ever heard! Here's Jocelyn's link so you can go listen to the other two, including "Ahhh Fujitsu," where the employees are "smiling at each new hour."
previously in corporate idiocy:
1. M&Ms, for Business.
2. 3rd ad of the campaign: Fo Shizzle My Nizzle.
3. Super Duper Double Extra Strength Ziploc!!!
4. Murdering Cereal with Marketing.
5. WHO THE F*CK GAVE MY GOLDFISH NAMES?

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

How's this for a headline that makes you wanna Just Do It?

(click ad to read copy)
Pearl Izumi
, owned by Nautilus, is a 50-year-old Japanese company best known for its competition biking apparel. Running shoe-wise, they are small-time in the USA. They recently began a print campaign in Runner's World tagged with the website wearenotjoggers.com. By bashing "joggers" in what is the monthly bible for runners, they are certainly preaching to the choir. The macabre headline stops you in your tracks, and and the even more macabre copy keeps you there. It's the anti-Run Easy. But does it inspire trial, or just simply make you feel better about being a "runner?" I believe the latter. But, if I didn't yet know the Pearl Izumi name, I know it now. I guess that's something. Only in a deeply-read niche magazine like RW could the company get away with placing an ad with no logo, and such small type on their sign-off. (this a low rez scan of the ad; the copy is much clearer in the magazine.)
update: commenter says campaign is by my friends at the factory, cp+b.
(tip from Flannery McKenna at icontent.tv. ad jpg grabbed from a cnbc blurb about the campaign.)
previously in shoe ads:
1. Kenneth Cole loses yet another battle in War on Words.
2. ALDO's rhetorical question.
3. Reebok running shoes help prevent puking.

Biggest paper in world's second largest country loves copyranter!

Last Friday, copyranter made its debut in "Canada's national newspaper," the Toronto Globe and Mail. At the end of the article, which is mostly about what's wrong with blogs, technology reporter Ivor Tossell lists ten "worthwhile" blogs, including mine! Yay? I thought Canadians hated angry, ranting Americans? Maybe Mr. Tossell isn't Canadian (Ivor seems an angry name)? Maybe he knows that I am one of the few true American ice hockey fans (go Habs!)? Or that I was a big fan of Rush (Neil Peart is a drummer GOD) in college, where I drank more than my share of Molson? update: I also LOVE the New Pornographers!

Edge. Dull.


(click ads to read headlines)
X-Games 13 starts next week. Asstastic!!! And Edge is an official sponsor—because, they're edgy, dudes. And, I guess, to mimic the stereotypical lazy persona of sk8ter boyz, the ad peeps, like, laid down some Xtremely languid language (almost as languid as this) that lamely ties Edge products to the action by the loosest of thread-age. "Cooling conditioners as invigorating as shredding pipe?" Welcome to the Zzzz Games, bro. Why don't you, like, go sponsor Senior Golf, Granddad? (note the expert product-holding technique of the models)
(ads appeared as consecutive pages in the latest ESPN magazine)
previously in specious sports marketing:
1. Reebok running shoes help prevent puking.
2. Johnnie Walker. Official sports drink of the New York Yankees.
3. Head & Shoulders draws dandruff-like pass play in man's hair.
4. Urnie Banks (snicker)?
5. New York Knicks: Experience It. "It" being Misery.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #42.

Today on Gawker, I took a look at good silly vs. bad silly, using an excellent new Skittles spot and a stupid Ray-Ban viral video as examples (link). To read any of the previous Lies Well Disguised columns, just type those three words up in my search window.

...because eating PB&J sandwiches does nothing to lessen the anger?

The National Peanut Board recently launched a new print campaign touting the nutritional advantages of the friendly, lovable peanut...protein-provider, energy-booster, etc. The executions are currently all over New York subway cars. They're all mildly cute-ish and inoffensive—except this one, which strays from the physical benefits of the nut to a nutty mental one.
This 'sandwich as shrink' message might play OK out in the hinterlands, farmboys, but not in fucking New York fucking City. Why pay a therapist, Mr Green Jeans? Let me tell you why, hayseed: because this Big Evil Fucking City finds its way into every crevice of your fucking brain, knocking on every fucking door—including that of your "inner child"—and if you don't answer, it either seeps through the cracks or it just breaks the fucking door down, giving you panic attacks, or Bipolar Disorder or maybe Schizophrenia. And to deal with this, you want me to eat a fucking sandwich? Yeah a PB&L(ithium) sandwich, maybe.
Also, I just gotta say, the sandwich here is very unappetizing-looking (click it).
previously in food:
1. McDonald's complete bullshit nutrition ad.
2. Supermodels for Trans Fat.
3. America will not "Feel Like Chicken Tonight."
4. The Spider-Man Three™ Cheeseburger.
5. BAN EVERYTHING!!!

Times Square now a different kind of scary.


(click images for close-up scariness)
For two years back in the late 80s, I walked through Times Square twice a day on the way to and from my proofreading job at an accounting firm. I saw rush-hour muggings, hideous hookers pulling up skirts to expose vaginal regions, and guys jerking off on the sidewalks in front of the plentiful smut palaces. While I don't really long for those halcyon days, I don't dig the new tourist-friendly Times Square, either. The bad-walking tourists themselves are bad enough, but the video ad billboards are really disturbing—in particular the above screen on the M&Ms World store. This green M&M chick (or, I guess, guy wearing guy-liner and green lipstick) makes bedroom eyes at you, her/his eyes blinking and following you as you walk by. She/he/it is truly creepy.
previously in Times Square ads:
1. Coming in 2012: The Target® Freedom Tower.
2. The importance of Times Square billboard juxtaposition.
3. Hey, where's her iPod?

Monday, July 23, 2007

And Now He's Dead: The Balvenie Weenie®.

I've mocked the Balvenie Weenie's idiotic pick-up lines again and again and again (and again). Predicted what Santa would bring him. Drafted his list of New Year's resolutions. Played bartender opposite him. Helped him out with his life motto. Even dreamed of his demise. Now with the cartoonist "on vacation," I have finally, simply, and definitively sent one of the worst ad icons in history to Douchebag Hell by shooting him right in his stupid, mouthless face. Please forgive the graphic depiction, but I felt the second color was needed for maximum effect.
(all Balvenie scotch ads scanned from the Wall Street Journal)
(while I never say never, this likely concludes the Balvenie Weenie® thread.)

Hey, where's her iPod?

Oh. I believe I know where she's hiding it.

previously in midtown NYC
:
1. The Great Wall of New York.
2. President Clinton has never looked better.
3. 30 mannequin legs. One insane store.
4. David Blaine Bubble™ merchandising opportunities.
5. Heatherette's diarrhea-fighting shoe.

Who can tell me the one word you don't want to see as you're queuing up to board an American Airlines jet at Chicago's O'Hare airport?


(click image to see where your plane might crash)
Yep. When a plane blows up due to a terrorist bomb, or simply crashes/obliterates, "explosion" is indeed an understated term to describe the horrific event. "Fireball" or "Maelstrom" or "Ka-Fucking-Boom!" fit the occasion much better. Now, combine this headline with an overhead map shot, and Blam-O!—it's a perfect firestorm of a hellish airport wall ad. Yay Nortel! Smart piece of communication placement from the Communications company (emailed by Gina).
previously in bad ad placement:
1. Fendi No. 5?
2. India.Arie Port-o-Potty wrap.
3. Smart media placement, Starbucks (idiots).
4. Coming in 2012: The Target® Freedom Tower.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Link Haze, 7/20/07.

(Until Labor Day, one of my Friday posts will be a link dump. You got something interesting [ad related], email me: copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com)
An animatic of Snuggle (shudder) dancing to some Trance(ish). The evil icon makes its appearance at about the 18 second mark. I prefer it motionless and, even better, headless (link).
Gabriel Delahaye, who writes The Unethicist column Mondays on Gawker, and who keeps an online "diary" at corporate-casual.com, and who is a funny and fine looking young man, closely examines a subway ad for the new Bravo show, "Flipping Out" (link).
Boomers, creative revolutionaries that they are, are the most prolific emoticon users (link).
Bill Green at MakeTheLogoBigger is on some sort of Brand Tour, the thought of which makes me shake a little. Here, a Big & Tall store hedges (link).
WhereIsMyJetpack turns a Blogger verification jumble into a Brand (link).
Some serious black comedy via Japan sells life insurance. (link).

Bud's flash card ad to three-year-olds.


(click to read better. this may very well be the stupidiest ad I've ever seen.)
(scanned from the back of the Siren Music Festival guide)
previously in stupid Bud ads:
1. Bud tells Gays OK to be Gay.
2. USA soccer advertising as creative as USA soccer team.
3. Taglines are DUMB: Bud Select.
4. 1934 Bud ad: Darker. No, make him DARKER.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

New Absolut Ads Absolutly Average.

It's really about the best we could expect.
Seriously, how do you follow up one of the most successful ad campaigns ever (though there certainly were stinkers)? Well, you don't do anything original and fresh, obvs! Place product name in existing colloquial phrase, use overused "ideal world" visual trickery, nestle product shot in lower right corner, and voila!—safe mild entertainment! (here's three more print executions.)
The ad at right was placed in Angeleno magazine, part of the Binn-clone Modern Luxury cluster of useless Lux Mags. In my Absolut world, the San Andreas Fault would split open and swallow this neighborhood.
I do like this TV spot from the campaign, though. Beautifully shot.
(campaign via the TBWA part of TBWA/Chiat/Day New York, Absolut's long-time agency, of course.)

American Apparel phones it in.


(click ad to, well, I guess see how opaque the tights are, you pervs)
In the next ad, AA will just go ahead and forget the tights.
Time for a recap: First, they "cleverly" played with "Hiking." Then, they did some crack. Next, they left off letters from product names. After that, it was fetish overload. And lastly, simulated(?) masturbation. Now, I guess the "creative director" is on vacation? Well at least they remembered the logo.
(scanned from the back of this week's the L magazine)
other American Apparel ads:
1. Girls vs. Boys.
on Complex: Sporting A Woody.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Taglines are DUMB: #12—unadulterated bullshit claim edition.

So Effective You Could Skip A Day
(I often use Mitchum)
This is a retired tagline; Mitchum has since moved on to that banal "Mitchum Man" stuff. But, I could not let this underhanded underarm hooey just evaporate into marketing history. Let me first say, that I am not a big sweater. For a guy, I am relatively clean and non-smelling. Mitchum has worked well for me; at the end of the day, I'm usually in pretty good pit shape. BUT even in the dead of winter, there's no way in Hell ANY deodorant/antiperspirant product is still working a day later. No Fucking Way. What the fuck do we even have an FDA for?
previous taglines are DUMB:
1. THE POWER OF YOU.
2. Expect Everything.
3. Word Hard. Fly Right.
4. the worst car taglines.
5. KOOL. Be True.
6. New York Knicks. Experience IT.
7. LET'S SHVO.
8. Johnnie Walker. Keep Walking.
9. That's Marshall's Law.
10. My favorite dumb tagline ever.

Lies Well Disguised, #41.

This week on Gawker, I wrote about a job even stupider than ad copywriter: Certified Professional Lego Consultant (link). To read any of the previous 40 Lies Well Disguised columns, type those three words in my search window.

"Floors so clean, you can eat [your wife] off of them!"


(click ad for clearer view)
"...do the mommy-daddy dance right on the floor." So, yes. Say it yet again with me, students: 'Sex can be used to sell anything.' Even, non-toxic floor cleaning products. Bypassing the insipid headline and edgy copy, let's go right to the website, where method calls their o-mop™ (above, leaning seductively against the wall with a come-hither look) "hip and sexy." Apparently, the "o" stands for "orgasm." They also sell aroma rings that look like cock rings. And, a couple of pages feature frisky naked people cleaning. (sigh) Try try try all you want method, but cleaning ain't Cool. Cleaning ain't Sexy. (Ad placed in—get this—Parents magazine, and emailed to me by Brent Anderson from bernstein-rein.)
previously in SEX in ads:
1. American Apparel thread.
2. Actually, it's a raging Chubb.
3. 'Dis is how they do subliminal advertising in Queens.
4. You've Cum A Long Way, Baby.
5. "C'mon baby, it's low in calories."

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

WHO THE F*CK DECIDED TO GIVE MY GOLDFISH NAMES?

THEY ARE DELICIOUS CHEESE GOLDFISH. I JAM THEM BY THE HANDFUL INTO MY MAW. SO, DON'T NAME THEM FINN™ OR GILBERT™ OR BROOKE™ (HA HA HA, DICKS) OR FUCKING XTREME™. XTREME?!? YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME. AND WHY ARE THE STUPID NAMES TRADEMARKED? YOU DOLTS AFRAID ANOTHER SNACK COMPANY IS GOING TO COPY YOUR BRILLIANT BRANDING BONANZA? TRUST ME PEPPERIDGE FARM, YOUR NAMES ARE SAFE. FUCKING IDIOTS.
previously in stupid marketing moves:
1. Increase your carbon cockprint.
2. enviga. worse than confusing.
3. Coming Soon: The Glute Ottoman.
4. Super Duper Double Extra Strength Ziploc!
5. M&Ms for business.
6. Cerealism.

Introducing the "Whooooa Baby!" tampon.

(click ad to read copy)
I am not a woman. I do not have a vagina. However, I have lived—and am living—with a woman. And I have observed that, during menstruation, women are generally not in a mood to do handstands (wonder what Kotex Ko would have to say about that?). BUT, this is not for me, a man, to say for sure. Ladies, do you believe that a new tampon—Tampax's biggest upgrade EVER! could make you shout "Whooooa baby?" (note, four o's). Yes or No?
(ad from August Glamour, emailed by Blaize Wilkinson)
previously in women:
1. Labiaplasty ad with hilarious typos.
2. Pink NHL jerseys.
3. Meet Ko, the Krazy eyeless Kotex icon.
4. Samsung commits an innuendon't.
5. Butch Cassidy sez: Bang your husband. Eat your greens.

The first ad campaign I ever did.


(click ads for closer look)
Some of you out there have asked me, repeatedly, to see ads that I've done. Of course I will never show you any produced ads from my portfolio because most of the stuff in there is for current clients, and I'm just not that stupid. BUT, above is the very first campaign I did during my second week at the School of Visual Arts, B.C. (before computers [well, before Photoshop, anyway]). Go ahead, give me some of my own medicine.
previously in adwork by copyranter:
1. My first ever (and probably last ever) celebrity ad.
2. Ad for trash company BFI.
3. Ill-advised headline for a local bank.
4. BEANO jingle.

Monday, July 16, 2007

185th Street, Washington Heights, NYC, 6:38am.

Walk around in this city for 20 or so years, and you will eventually see some mighty strange shit on the sidewalks—including a freakin' dead horseshoe crab.
previously in NYC streets:
1. NYC graffiti I understand, example #2.
2. NYC graffiti I understand, example #1.
3. HOO-AH!!!
4. The "Target" Bus.
5. The Headless Saint of Broadway.
6. Punk Rock Guitar Whines of Whiny UWS Punks.

It's time for another round of—WTF?




The above images are:
a) stills from a new NYC performance troupe called Blue(ish) ManWoman Group.
b) the cast of an experimental gonzo porno called The Blue Contortionists.
c) human logos for a dermatology company.
d) overzealous Smurf fans.
(tip from Michael Cesari)
previously in WTF:
1. CANTMISSABLE!!!
2. the rolling grass thing.
3. Strange ad image of the week.
4. unfortunately, these are not your grandfather's underpants.

She Guevara's Fashionista Diaries.

Che-sus Christ, you want to be revolutionary, soapnet? How 'bout using your heads for something besides a beret rack and come up with a original thought? When executed by the Bolivian Special Forces, Che was shot several times and his hands were amputated. But that's nothing compared to the torture his image has been subjected to by American Capitalist Pigs! Put down those damn bonbons and rise up, soap opera watchers! Revolution is calling!
(tip from JJ, the Mag Hag)
previously in fashion is stupid:
1. Introducing the most Douche ever splattered on a Polo shirt.
2. DIESEL woos fcuk hoi polloi.
3. Gays don't shop Daffy's.
4. To fight diarrhea, Heatherette designs shoe that looks like clown diarrhea.
5. Dakota Fanning for Marc Jacobs.
6. Jigga gettin' all "A River Runs Through It" on us.
7. Jimmy Choo. Shoes to die for.
8. Sailing with Carson & Justin.
9. Cotton Inc. doll ads thread.

Put that in your tailpipe and inflate it.


(click image for clearer view)
2008 Summer Olympics host China is desperately trying to reduce its wickedly unhealthy levels of air pollution, lest the marathon runners hack up lungs mid-race. To support the country's too little, too late effort, the World Wildlife Fund recently kicked off a 20 to 20 campaign (20 ways everyone can save energy on a daily basis) with the above tailpipe installation. It's a cute, impressive image, but how much of an effect do you think it will really have on the world's fastest-growing auto market?
(scanned from the latest Intersection magazine)
previously in auto ads:
1. dis is how they do subliminal advertising in Queens.
2. Car Dealer Ads are gifts from Satan.
3. The Car as Cock.
4. Taglines are DUMB: NYC Auto Show edition.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Link Haze, 7/13/07.

(Until Labor Day, one of my Friday posts will be a link dump. You got something interesting (ad related), email me: copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com)

GEICO scores again: I LOVE the kid (L) who plays go-cart driver Warren Wallace, "3rd cousin, once removed," of Geico-sponsored NASCAR racer Mike Wallace. "I'll put him in the wall!" (link).
40 bucks for a bottle of water, and it's not from the Fountain of Youth (link).
Well-circulated Sisley ad with models sniffing drug-like dress. Note the spelling of "Fashioin" [like "heroin," get it?] (link).
I agree with Consumerist: that new Visa spot makes me want to go all Fight Club on them and blow up their fucking headquarters (link).
Terrorist organization logos. Lots of stars and circles (link).

Well SHUT MY MOUTH, I like another ad.

(click image) Paging through the book of 2007 Kelly Award winners (outstanding magazine advertising), I came upon this fun Halloween ad for Snickers. It connects both on a creepy and emotional level. Does it sell candy? I don't eat the stuff, so I couldn't tell you. The ad's drawback is that it's a classic one-hit wonder (although it was part of a campaign). But what the fuck is going on? I'm actually liking some stuff recently. My crankcase must be leaking again.
previously in candy advertising:
1. M&Ms for business—hard to swallow.
2. Can't quite put my finger on why this campaign sucks.
3. Brown Sugar.

The Re-creation of Adam?

(Click ad for closer look. Note the interesting juxtaposition of ad poster above Buonarroti's "Creation of Adam.")
Your lawyer totally screwed that Hell Witch you married; she got nothing and you got the kids—time to celebrate, Mr. divorced, four-story stud, with a Corcoran copulation condo!
The realtor couldn't be happier that you, Daddy banker, won custody of the children. Corcoran loves moneyed children! And Daddy-O, you're gonna be needing a duplex now, right? A floor for the kids, and a floor for fucking! Here's my card!
previously in subtle real estate advertising:
1. The Power of Platinum.
2. CLEARLY defining your target audience.
3. Real estate stooges redefine "shocking."
4. The unparalleled hyperbole of real estate ads.
5. Harlem lodges beckon curly-haired cutey-pie.
6. Caledonia slightly updates its ad twats.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

I, uh, don't get it, HSBC Bank. Seriously, I don't.


(click ad to read copy)
Paging through the latest New Yorker, I came upon the above ad and stopped, which, I guess, is a good thing—at least the ad made me stop paging. Let's look closely at the elements. HEADLINE: Are You Ready For An Upgrade? VISUAL: four boys doing flips off of a bridge. PRODUCT: A "premier" bank account. Now, advertisers do sometimes place "smarter" ads than normal in the hoity-toity New Yorker. But, um, could somebody out there PLEASE explain to me what this ad means? I'm feeling really really stupid right now.
previous confusing corporate ads:
1. The Shell game.
2. Third ad of campaign: Fo Shizzle My Nizzle.
3. Co-Chairmen of the Board.
4. Why King Kong would never make a good banker.
5. Meet John Dowd. Banker. Founding Father.

The most egregious example of icon exploitation in an ad I've ever seen.

(click ad to read copy)
Freedom Honor Integrity. The Freedom to use one of the most revered photos in US history to sell trips on a luxury jet. The Honor to use six WWII soldiers—three of whom were later killed in the battle of Iwo Jima—to hoist your sales. The Integrity to...oh fuck it. I am not a patriotic man. I do not "love" my country. I love my parents and my girlfriend. And American icon exploitation is nothing new. But this is just tasteless.
Ad scanned from—where else?—"luxury" magazine Hamptons, one of the bullshit Niche Media titles that nobody reads except for the people photographed in them, published by scam artist Jason Binn, Prick.
UPDATE: an anon commenter emailed the company about the ad. This was their (apparently the CEO's) response:
"The ad in question is a July 4th holiday one. (It was not a "holiday" issue of the magazine)
What LAJ has to do with the celebration of freedom, is what every American should be honoring on that day.
To reflect upon the sacrifices made from all previous generations which have provided our republic to survive and thrive. This grants my company and its employees the freedom from want, fear, and opportunity to build a company on integrity.
Reread the narrative."
What a load of horseshit.
previously in worst ads ever:
1. My early frontrunner for Worst Ad of 2007.
2. So feel free to wear your tightest shorts, ladies.
3. Right Gwynnie. And I'm Martian.
4. "Middle manager" sends 10,000 horrified concert-goers scrambling for exits.
5. The Good Hands, Bad Taste People.
6. CLEARLY defining your target audience.
and the worst ever:
7. WTC asbestos ad.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

The Punk Rock Guitar Whines of Whiny Upper West Side Punks.

(snapped on Broadway, in the 90s)
For New York City parents of a certain socio-economic set, sending their over-pampered kids to overpriced camps is a rite of Summer.
At Rock 'N' Roll Boot Camp put on by NYCGuitarSchool (look at the cute rebels!), $543 gets their little Slash/Jimi Eight 3-hour "sessions."
Judging by the missing contact tabs on this flier, It's gonna by a heated competition to see who can first learn "Turn Turn Turn" by the Byrds to make Mom & Dad proud at the next Iraqi War protest.
previously in Stupid New York:
1. The four fashionable faces of Williamsburg.
2. The Trans Fat War Turns Childish.
3. The comedy of the NYC Office of Emergency Management.
4. PHEW! YORK.
5. Political Shtickball.
6. I-Banker Boot Camp.
7. TriBeCa Horror Film Festival.
8. It is hard for black kids to fit in on the Upper West Side.

I'd certainly want a strong drink if I was getting a vasectomy.


(pic taken in Flint, Michigan by brand spanker Matt from brandspankin.com)
Funny, I've never equated getting a haircut with getting drunk. Is that legal? Even if, I don't think it's a good idea to be sipping gin whilst a woman with scissors is hovering near my ears. And is she getting sloshed, too? Seagram's, my brain hurts: do you know something about barbershop culture that I don't? Well? ANSWER ME DAMMIT!!!
previously in irrational liquor ads:
1. Racks of Booze.
2. What's on your headstone, Tommy Dewar?
3. The drunken conversation is waiting.
4. Johnnie Walker "Keep Walking" thread.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #40.

Today on Gawker, I took a break from the stupid—sometimes strained—sarcasm, and wrote about my Father (link). It's something I have wrote (I mean, "written"—thanks anon copy nanny) about here on copyranter briefly before. For the previous 39 Lies Well Disguised columns, type those three words up in my search window.

Save the world. Destroy your liver.

(puke) Green Marketing: Vodka 360, "the world's first eco-friendly vodka." Not to be confused with the planet-destroying 360 Vodka, "the world's first diamond-filtrated vodka."
According to an ugly-on-the-eyes print ad in last week's Time Out New York "Green" issue, Vodka 360's bottle is made from 85% recycled glass while its label is made with 100% post-consumer waste paper. Its tagline is: The Evolution of Vodka™.
The ad also states that the vodka is distilled four times and filtered five times, and that it is "distilled more energy efficiently."
Bypassing the obvious question—'You pathetic cause exploiters are fucking kidding, right?'—I have a secondary question: wouldn't it actually be, eh, more energy efficient to only distill and filter your eco-hooch, say, three times?
previously in Vodka:
1. V2. Get Bombed.
2. Let's get EFFEN drunk.
3. Staten Island needs to be distilled, like, five times by itself.
4. ABSOLUT KRAP.
5. XTRA! XTRA! Another Vodka Xactly What World Needs!
related on Gawker: Vodka Ad Wars.

Jake puts his best shit-face forward.

(click ad for closer look at Jake, the fake 13-year-old drunk.)
NO NO NO.
The ad should read: Start Drinking Before You Start Talking.
Pretty much nothing is more traumatic for a 13-year-old than having one of those "talks" with the parents. So, break out the hooch and pour Jake (and yourself) a couple of fingers, for Christ's sake. Chances are, he might even listen to your hypocritical preaching. Probably should have some weed and Tranny porn on hand, too.
These
idiotic Ad Council alcohol PSAs are just confusing the Hell out of the issue.
(snapped on Lexington Ave., midtown, but spotted all over Manhattan)
previously in alcoholism:
1. writer endorses alcohol.
2. alcohol's best ever tagline.
3. Ad Council PSA confuses wasted NYU students.
4. Excuse Me While I Puke And Die.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Art Appreciation Fridays with copyranter, Infinitely Lazy Edition.


(L) "Infinitely Lazy"—(1997) by Elias Wakan, hemlock, 12 x 20 x 10 inches. SOLD (sorry). An infinity symbol made to look like it was made from a Lazy Susan (that's my interpretation, anyway).
(R) Nothing.
previously in art appreciation with copyranter:
1. Montagne de Futons vs. Milla Jovovich on a pile of mattresses.
2. Split Ends vs. "Split Endz."
3. "David" vs. "The Gift."
4. Mapplethorpe vs. copyranter.
5. Warhol's "Oxidation" vs. copyranter's "Untitled."
6. Ellsworth Kelly's "The Gate" vs. copyranter's "The Opening."
7. Warhol's "Pepper Pot" vs. copyranter's "Pork & Beans."

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

The land of the free, hackneyed iconic images.

Mount Rushmore. The Bald Eagle. George Washington. And of course, the Statue of Liberty. In this great(ish) country of ours, if you want to sell cars, magazines, mattresses, clothes, strip bars, whatever, and you're lazy and cheap—you have a ready pool of patriotic, rights-free images at your disposal that have been used ad infinitum through ad history. While making ads thusly isn't much of a display of "independence," it is a very American thing to do. So today, sally forth citizens and be indolent and unoriginal. It's your right. Also, eat a Pop-Tart®.
previously in America:
1. The Bank of Opportunistic Stock Photo Use.
2. Me Tarzan. You Jane. Army Strong™. Commercial Weak.
3. Operation Thesaurus.
4. Little Mr. Apricot tells USA 'F-You.'